Friday, December 4, 2009

Letting Go

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go

Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go

I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place


Sometimes, we just have to let go of the things that we've been holding onto so that we can take tomorrow- heck, even take today- for the blessing it is and just move on.

Breastfeeding... It's coming to an end. I wish, more than anything, that this werent the case. But this is where we are. I cant find the time needed to pump enough to keep my milk supply high. It's dwindling to 3-4 ounces per pump, 4-5 times in 24 hours. 12-20 ounces a day- at best. I pumped 3 times yesterday. I just didnt have 15 unadulterated minutes to do more. It sounds crazy. I know that. But it's true. It takes all day to do a post!

With the stress of feeling like I need to pump more, plus the pain of letting too much time go by and not being able to pump... Well, I just feel like I am kidding myself that I can keep this up. This was my final hold out. The last normal thing I had. And I am letting it go.

I'm choosing to let it go. I dont want, like everything else, to feel it was taken from my bruised and broken self. I'd rather take a breath, let the sob out, and release it.

So I am.

And I will look at Bobby and Maya, and I will be grateful for what I have.

I wont mourn this. It is what it is. It is part of my journey. And I am going to accept it.

For anyone who is interested...

I have most of a bottle of More Milk Special Blend. It is awesome. I also have part of a box of Mother's Milk tea. And I have the SNS. If you want them then I will put together a lactation package and send them on their way. *UPDATE: THEY HAVE FOUND A HOME!* I'll keep pumping until my milk dries up. I've had 3 months of giving them breastmilk. I am happy I had that time.


k said...

Aw hon, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're handling it like you are but I know how difficult this is. If you are open to sending your things I'd be happy to take them. As you know I also have PCOS and will likely have similar issues as you.


Anonymous said...

Michele, you are truely amazing!!

twomomsforus said...

I found you through Tammy and have been a lurker - you did great! I gave my 33 weeker breastmilk for 3 months plus whatever I had in the freezer - one bottle a day for 3 months after. My second one - I managed to make it 6 months but I'll tell you what a job that was! And now she's getting a little a day of what I was able to freeze. I never had a supply problem, but I had babies that never developed a good routine at the breast and preferred their bottles. So I pumped 24/7 and darn it sure is hard!! You did great and you should be proud. They will be okay on formula!! My preemie is 3 now and he's doing just fine!!

Jen said...

I'm having difficulties keeping my supply up, too. I'm thinking it has to do with using a pump for so long and not having much of a chance to actually breastfeed Cooper, I don't know I could be wrong...

Would you recommend both of those products that you mentioned? I was looking for products on the internet and both of those popped up but I was worried about using them...

You put a valiant effort into breastfeeding and you gave both of your babies breastmilk when they needed it the most and for that you should feel PROUD!

Anonymous said...

You are phenomenal. Really. And I think you gave them a wonderful start. Congratulations. xxx

Mon said...

You did great, the first weeks and months are vital ! But for letting go, won't they nurse themselves without you having to pump? We had tons of issues (I never had a baby that would just latch without issues!!) but then around 3 months I realized how much im pumping and how much time it takes and i stopped pumping all together and becuase she was already stronger, she started to nurse and we never looked back... Pumping sucks, nursing is way better

Amanda said...

You've done an AMAZING job for your little ones!

I love the way you worded this. I love that you're letting it go and not letting it be taken from you. You are such a strong and beautiful mother!

Reba said...

that picture of them made me tear right up! my gosh! you will never even have to worry about them having troubles sleeping, they have each other. :)

i think you did such a great job pumping all this time to nourish the babies with your own breastmilk. you gave them the strength they needed to get to where they are today, and look how amazing they are doing! i think your pumping is a huge reason they are home and so healthy now.

i am sorry you have to give up one more thing that you wanted, though. i remember the pain, the guilt, it feels like why can't this one thing that's so natural work for me? but you know what, you are a fabulous mommy because you do what is best for your babies, no matter what.

thank you for mentioning my blog in your other post! i am so touched. i feel that connection, too. :)

k@lakly said...

No one will ever doubt how hard you tried to do everything for these two babies. I'm sorry it is not lasting as long as you hoped it would but I know they are here becasue of all that you did do and all that you will do for them.
And, just a thought, even if your supply is dwindling, they may both still nurse and receive both the nutrients and the bonding time with you that nursing offers. You can still supplement as you need to but maybe the nursing will be less stressful for you if you are able to do it without all of the stress surrounding it.

The picture(s) are so sweet!!!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

You did an excellent job. I told you that both of my children had breast milk for three months. You have two babies and that in itself is work. You gave them what they needed to live, survive and come home. They are thriving because of you. Don't look back just enjoy your future loving them.

Sophie said...

You know I support you Michelle.

I agree with you that it came down to a choice. I chose to end it when I saw the huge crashing meltdown that was coming if I didn't. I couldn't afford to let it get that bad. I was afraid I might not be able to climb back up.

I think you've done an amazing job too. Well done.


KristieMcNealy said...

You've been doing a fantastic job. Pumping for and then feeding one preemie was practically a full time job. I can't imagine the juggling act going on with 2, because I remember pumping while sitting cross legged with C in my lap so I could give her a bottle.