Happy July 4th to us! Because the fourth is on a Saturday, Peter's off today! Yay! It was so nice to wake up lazily and just enjoy his company for the morning. I love that man so much. Right now, he's mowing the backyard since we are due to have more rain, but I cant wait until he's back inside, cuddled up to me. I dont realize how much I miss him during the days until he's home and I realize it wont last. I look forward to retirement when we'll be stuck with each other endlessly, LOL. :)
Peter's parents came for dinner last night. His dad was able to hear the babies on our doppler and it was so cute to see his face. They've been very active, to the point that last night at bedtime, I could barely get comfy. It was awesome. I fell asleep just holding my belly and feeling them move here and there. Very reassuring. The cervical pain comes and goes. Sometimes it feels like fingers grating down my cervix, other times it is just a sharp pain here or there. It never lasts more than a bit and is more disturbing than really painful. I found one writing where a doctor noted that the pain is fairly normal since the cervix is dynamic and moves in normal pregnancies and, with the cerclage in, is unable to really move, hence the pulling and pain. Some minor back issues (but I cant imagine not having back issues when I'm in bed 95% of the time). All in all, still doing fine. Cant complain. Just happy to have them one more day.
Thinking a lot about Sophia this week, especially since Wednesday. My contractions with her began on this day in pregnancy, 17w6d, around dinnertime. They were minor in the beginning (to the point that I had no idea they were contractions) and then elevated to a red alert. By 10pm or so, I remember hurting so much that I cried and couldnt sleep. Peter would rub, I'd fall asleep, he'd stop, contraction would hit, I'd wake up, repeat. Did he sleep at all??? What a good man...
She's been on my mind so much that I've accidentally referred to Maya as "Sophia" a few times. Maya's on the same side as Sophie was and she moves very similarly. I think, on top of that, with the time of pregnancy, I have my princess on the brain and everyone is "Sophia". But I feel so horrible after it happens. I apologize to both of them. Peter tries to keep it light and says I've inherited my grandmother's habit of going through every child and grandchild to find your name when she's trying to get your attention. (It's cute when Mamaw does it... It's not cute (to me) when I do it.)
In normal pregnant woman conversation, Peter's mother wants me to think about favor ideas for the baby shower. I'm struggling. I like the idea of soap, a little pink foot and a little blue foot, wrapped in tulle and tied in a ribbon. I want something practical, that will be used and not thrown away. But I also dont want to spend $1 for each soap (which means $2 for 2 plus tulle/ribbon each) for 100 guests. Nor do I want her to spend that. So, I'm looking into other things. Peter suggested making the soap, that he'd get the stuff from the craft store and help me organize things from bed... Since I have 10w until the shower (the one for his family has been set for the weekend after my family's, so Sept 12, at 28w... wow, only 10w away...) perhaps that is a possibility. We'll see... I'm still finding it hard to think about things that far in advance. 8w til our 4D u/s and we leave for TN... 9w: my family's shower... 10w: his family's shower... It's almost like the countdown of viability and milestones... 6w to viability... 7w to steroid injections... 8w to goal 1... and so on. With focusing on today and right now, it's actually gotten harder looking ahead. I had to make my Sept appt's with Dr B to get good times and it was really hard to flip the calendar there. I'm in July now... I'm happy in July... Really, truly, I am. I am happy with today. With having them today. With remembering their siblings today. It's a good feeling. I almost feel like I will contaminate it if I allow myself to look forward too much, especially when I feel like I am where I should be, enjoying 17w6d.
Here's my complaint for the day: people who think that a subsequent pregnancy takes away the pain of losing a child (or children, in my case). I feel like just railing on the people who say things along the lines of "now you are all better..." or imply that the cerclage is a 100% failsafe against not bringing home baby so I should just forget and move on. My babies arent a class I failed in college and got to make up. And a new pregnancy could never "fix" anything. It isn't like babies are interchangible. The worst comment is where someone (and let me tell you, I've gotten several of these) implies that, because we are pregnant with twins again, somehow we are getting a do-over. Really? Is it that simple? Wow... Let me share that with all the other parents in the world who are grieving the loss of a child. If only we'd known, we could have saved ourself so much grief. THANK YOU for pointing that out to me. One day, I swear, I'll say something nasty. I usually just smile, say that every pregnancy and child is different and unique, and we are grateful for all five of the babies we've had a chance to get to know so far. Usually that shuts them up. A freaking do-over. Please.
Okay, so now that I've ranted for the day and I hear Peter coming in from his lawn work, I will go... Besides... It's time for another feeding... :)