Monday, July 13, 2009

It's Monday Already?

The weeks tend to drag on sometimes, but the weekends... Never the weekends... It was yesterday that it was Friday night and Peter was walking in the door from work, and then, I woke up, and now it is Monday morning and he's about to get out of bed to get ready! But as it is, right now, he's adorable as he gently rests beside me, his back curled up to the side of my leg and his chest hair within arms reach.

The weekend was somewhat painful. My cervix has decided that it really needs to show me who's boss by randomly hurting like hell. It actually feels, from time to time, like some demon is scratching long fingernails down my insides. The best part, however, is that it only lasts a few minutes and then I think I'm crazy because I feel fine. I am still talking to my cervix, telling it off, but also giving it positive affirmations like "you are closed" and "you are long". (I know... I'm nuts.) If women can help themselves dilate in labor by talking to their bodies, why not the reverse? And, if it doesnt work, it's not like I wasted anything. Plus, it makes me feel better.

We had a little meltdown on Saturday morning at P17 times. In Peter's words, we had "85% of a dose". That's right. The bottle says it has 4 1ml doses in it. We took 3ml's over the last 3 weeks (and Peter swears he's been at the 1ml line every time on the needle and, being a scientist who deals every day with precise figures, I believe him) but come Saturday, when he was basically sucking the last drop from the bottle, there was only .85ml left. So, I cried. I mean, what else do you do when you are practically convinced that the shots are stopping you from contracting? You cry and, of course, contract your uterus with your sobs! I got a grip relatively quickly because, let's face it, crying isnt going to help the situation. We did the injection and discussed the possible outcomes. P17 has a shelf life in the body and degrades over time, so most likely, the best course of action is to have my 20w shot a day or two early, depending on the shelf life. I wont have my refill until Wednesday, which is also my appt with Dr Bailey, so we will discuss this then. He may say that the 15% isnt a huge deal because there is X amount of a window. Or he may say "inject tonight". We'll see. I dont know. We debated calling him today, but since I cant get the drug before Wednesday, I dont want to have yet another worry on the plate. And, I trust my husband, who has looked at the chemical comp and knows what he's talking about from a purely scientific standpoint. But, at the time, you would have thought someone died. Good old pregnancy hormones.

I talked to my mom on Saturday night, which was nice. We chatted about shower things and personal things. She took a little fall, so her knees werent feeling so well. I love talking to my mom. I miss her so much. Then, as night began to fall, my brother visited and I talked to him for about an hour. I have spoken to him on the phone in years, and I only spoke to him for about 15 minutes on our last visit. So, an hour was quite the change in scenery. We talked about things that our going on. I asked about their pregnancy, he asked about ours. (Yes, I made several plugs for stopping smoking, drinking, etc, and how things we do today impact our little ones... Deaf ears? I hope not.) After we hung up, I sent him an email, and just said it was nice to talk to him and that I hoped we could try to keep the channels of communication open. We'll see. I worry about my nephew and would like to know what is going on. On a funny note, what name does he like for the baby? Benjamin. How funny would it be if both of our sons, born within a few weeks of each other, were named Benjamin? I dont know if he liked the name when our mom told him Bobby's name or if he liked it before. We didnt get into it. An even funnier comment, though. His girlfriend wants to name the baby Noah. J's response: "That's a biblical name." To which I had to reply that Benjamin is a biblical name, too. A moment of silence. "Oh, yeah..."

We went to Mass on Saturday night because Peter was serving. Normally, Sunday mornings are my big day out, so it felt weird to stay in bed yesterday. But church was still nice and we got to chat with our younger priest, who is quite funny. The first words from his mouth: "Are you listening to the doctor?" He's really such a kind soul. Peter's mom told me that they were chatting and he told her he's counting down his calendar days until we are in the clear. To which she responded with a laugh "They wont be in the clear until the kids are in college." But it's nice to know we have so many thinking of the babies and praying for them.

This morning, I had my first "full term baby" dream. All my other baby dreams have included the horror of preterm labor, even "viable" preterm labor. But this one was going into Dr B's office to have the stitch removed and then dilating to 5cm. He advised us to walk over to the hospital since the labor was going to progress quickly. So, we did. And when I got there, I was 8cm dilated. We posted our "Natural Labor in Progress" signs on the door and went about our business and, before he could get over, Bobby was born. Peter put him on my chest and covered him with a blanket, before going into the hallway and telling a nurse, "You'd better call Dr Bailey and tell him he's already missed half the show. If he wants to catch the second act, he'd better hurry." Then, he came in (with nurses) and Maya's labor had started, so a nurse took Bobby and started cleaning him and weighing him, while Peter prepared to deliver our little girl. Then I woke up. But it was a nice thought. It was nice to have a "normal" dream and not one where either our baby died or our baby struggled to survive. Perhaps this is one aspect of the healing process taking over.

I cant believe that July is nearly half over... Peter's birthday is a month away and I've always considered his birthday (mid-August) as summer's last hurrah. The first harvest celebrations are on Aug 1st, which, to me always says "Fall is on it's way!" and since I love fall, this is a happy time! But his birthday kind of says "We're almost there." And this year, since Aug 15 is the 24w mark, his birthday will echo "We're almost there" in a different kind of way. It's strange to even think about fall when it feels like yesterday we began summer. But here we are and summer is almost half over. At a time when time feels like it goes so slow in some aspects, it speeds by in others...


twondra said...

I found your blog through another blog. I hope it's okay that I commented.

You are so positive to other people and that's so sweet with all you've been through. Your pictures of your babies are so sweet. Thanks for sharing.

I wanted to share with you something someone shared with me lately. Maybe you've read it but I wanted to share it.

The world could use more of people like you.



Donna said...

I'm so glad that you are doing well! Aside from the cervix pain...I guess it just wants to let you know who's in charge. I love your dream!

Catherine W said...

I bet the weeks do drag, you must miss Peter when he's at work.

Sorry to hear that your cervix is being a pain, quite literally. I love the positive affirmations.

And the P17, I'm not surprised that you went into meltdown. I always felt that I had to everything 100% right whilst I was pregnant and I can completely understand a total pregnancy hormone freakout over the 15%. Hope you get it sorted.

I'm glad you got a chance to speak to your brother. I think it would be lovely if you and Peter were in your nephew's life. I am one of three cousins, born within six months of one another, all with the same middle name. Had to laugh over the 'is Benjamin a biblical name' confusion.

And I am so, so happy that you had a full term baby dream. I can't really explain exactly why it makes me so happy. Perhaps because I would love to have a dream like that myself. I often dream of giving birth or holding a new baby but these babies are always just "viable", like my girls. Strangely they are often the size of term babies but they still look very premature. Or perhaps I've shrunk in the dream so the girls seem bigger. I'm not sure which.

Thinking of you and your family. xx

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Great post. Thank you for all the information. I love the dream and pray for you to have exactly that!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I went to your earlier posts and read your story about your beautiful children that you brought into this world. I am thankful no one else is at work because I have tears streaming down my face. I'm sorry if I am drawing up unpleasant thoughts for you.... thankk you for sharing your s tory though and for your strength. I hope I can also have the amount of love and strength you possess. Bless you and your family.

Juliet said...

What a beautiful dream. I hope that it was a vision of what is to come with Robert and Maya.

Cara said...

Wow - that must have been scary and hard not to go down the 'what if' road. But, you overcame with the postive! And, Michele -- that is what I love aboutyou so much.

Full term babies here you come...

LuckyOnce said...

I wanted to stop by and thank you so much for visiting my blog from LFCA last week. I really appreciate your comment.

I'm so sorry for the losses that you've endured so far. I'll be keeping you and your beautiful babies in my prayers and hoping that they'll make it to full term.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...


How are you doing today? I worry when you don't post. I'll just keep praying. :)


Anonymous said...

Thanks again for your support - I found your blog again when I googled 3w6d pregnant - your March 27th post came up.

I hope your cervix is treating you right.