It's been a long time since I felt something remotely close to inner peace, but this morning, it felt like the hand of God was on my heart. I have no other words to describe it. I've felt so scared and have just lived in the palms of fear and grief for the last 7 months. Especially now, with a new baby (or babies) confirmed and the countdown to the ultrasound in 8 more days in full swing, I've been praying for a sense of peace and calm. Of course, my nerves are still here (and always will be, I think), but there is this sense of peace.
Maybe everything won't go according to my plan. Maybe the outcome will be the one I can't even fathom to think of. Maybe a healthy baby or two will pop out in April or May! Whatever happens, I know that this pregnancy is in God's hand. Fear or not won't change that. It's about trying desperately to enjoy every moment- every second- with the gift that I've been given for the third time in a year after 9+ years of infertility.
I have two beautiful children on the outside. They live in heaven, but they will always be my babies. I will always be grateful for their pregnancy, labors, births, and lives. I am thankful that they are living in a world free from hurt or pain or even the fear of such. They are happy and loved and safe. What more could a parent hope for their child?
I have, possibly, two beautiful children growing on the inside. They live in the watery world of my womb and, no matter what happens, will always be my babies. I vow to make each day a testament of my love for them and a day of anticipation for what the future holds with them. I will do my best to make sure that the world they are in now is free from hurt, pain, or fear. I will do my best to keep them happy and safe; they will always be loved.
Thank you, God, for another day with this pregnancy.