3

In my head, it doesn't feel like three years have gone by, but in my heart, it feels as though Bobby and Maya have been here forever... Three years- so short a time since their birth and yet, so long of a time...  A lifetime... Their lifetime.
***
For my dearest Bobby and Maya, on your third birthday...
There is nothing in this world- nothing at all- that comes close to the joy that being your mother brings to me. We sometimes struggle, but it is all a part of our love journey and our life's road together.  Although the time will come- thank God it isnt today!- that our path's with diverge and you will choose to walk away from me rather than with me, for today, it is my priviledge to walk the road with you.  There are moments when I wish that I could walk it for you, that I could take away whatever stumbleblocks are in your path, that I could lift you over the puddles and the road work... There are moments of incredible sorrow when I know that I cant and that, for better or worse, you, my sweet children, must walk your path.  Moments when my salvation is knowing that I am with you.  Will always be, as long as you will have me, as long as you need me, as long as forever if that would even be long enough.
Yesterday (or it seems to me at times), you came into my life as a speck of sand and within sheer seconds, were born to a life outside of me into a world that could only begin to try and ready itself for you. With the Irish tempers you've both inherited from me, you fought and fought, and ultimately, you made the world your own.  For three years, I've looked on your beautiful faces.  For three years, I have sang, every day, sometimes multiple times a day, O Danny Bobby Boy, O Maya Girl and, while it may not be what Frederic Weatherly had in mind when he penned it (or maybe...it was), there is never a truer truth than when I sing to you "O Bobby Boy, O Maya Girl, I love you so."
This morning, when you woke up, I was gone.  I'd left the house a little after 5am for a run that I intended to only be 12 miles or so, but as I rounded the corner around the parish where you were baptised, something that I can only describe as a compulsion came over me and I knew that my run would log a tad more than 12. It was as though I needed to physically visit the places that meant so much over these last three years and, while I couldnt run down to Lankenau (not if I planned to be home before your Dad left for work anyway!), I couldnt stop my feet from following my heart.  I ran to our old parish, the church family that got us through the rough days after losing Nicholas and Sophia and Alexander, and the walls that kept us together during their memorials...  The church that sustained us through your pregnancy and the bedrest and the preterm labor & delivery and your NICU stay... The place where prayers were prayed (and heard)...  The chapel where you were baptized in front of so many people who love and cherish you.  And then, I kept running and running... Until I ran in front of our old house, where you (and your siblings) were conceived and born, and on into the neighborhood where I used to push you in your stroller and to our grocery store, which is still your favorite grocery store because they still make a fuss over you when we drive out of our way to shop there.  And then, I kept running and running... Until I ran by your Uita and Grandpa's house.  I can't make it to all your grandparents, but a list of important places would be incomplete without Uita's place... The first person to babysit you... The first place I left you, without me, with your tears trailing behind me... The first place I left you, with sounds of laughter as you felt safe enough for me to walk away...  And then, I kept running and running... Until I finally came back home, 16 miles after I started.
Sixteen, my loves.  The number of weeks I was on bedrest... The number of weeks, between us, that we were at the hospital...
During those miles, I remembered those days and the years that have gone by since.  I remembered that first night in the hospital, where I prayed so fervently that you would stay inside and grow.  I remembered this day, 3 years ago, when you were born and I had my first look at your beautiful little selves.  When I longed to hold you and love you and keep you safe forever.

Sept. 10, 2009

I remembered 2 years ago, when we went to the shore for your first birthday, and you ate (and ate and ate) seafood and had homemade cake. 

Sept. 10, 2010

I remembered last year, when we'd only recently moved, and after your party, we just spent your actual day snuggling and cuddling (which is still one of my favorite things to do).  Looking into your faces and your smiles and seeing that you know I love you- it's a wonderful feeling.


Late summer, 2011

For a moment, I thought that I was chasing the sun, but then I realized that the sun was chasing me.  And why shouldnt that be true!  I left with the moon was still high in the sky, surrounded by stars and, when the sun came up, the truth must have hit: we on earth are supposed to rotate around the sun, but my world revolves around you... my suns...  It serves to think that the morning sun was jealous, especially on your birthday, when your light is brightest.
I love you, my sweets... My Robert Benjamin and my Maya Eirene.  I love you with every breath that I take and with every beat of my heart.  With each song that you sing, with each laugh that you share, with each story that you tell, I am captivated more and more with the gentle, wonderfulness that is in each of your spirits. 

Sept. 2012

Life is not easy, my babes.  But nothing easy is worth its trial, and nothing worth gaining comes without a fight- and a cost.  Sometimes, that cost is the steepest we think we may dare to pay.  When I look back on my own life, I know that my joys have come at the expense of my deepest sorrows and yet... Oh, sweet Bobby and sweet Maya, I would pay the price over and over again, for only one moment with you... for only one moment with your brothers and sister.  I would die a thousand times for one touch of all of your hands and one kiss on each of your foreheads and, at my last breath, I would know that my life was complete.  You make that so.  No matter what lies in our roads up ahead, you will always make that so.  And it is me- ME- who is the lucky one and the blessed one.  You are every prayer answered and, regardless of where life takes you or if I agree or disagree with your decisions as you grow older, there is never any doubt that, for me, you are perfect.  In your life, you have taught me more than I think I'll ever be able to return, and I am so thankful for you.

Sept. 2012

Happy Birthday, my baby son and baby daughter.  A very very happy birthday.
I love you.

And then you'll kneel and whisper that you love me
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.