Happy 4th Birthday, Sophia

I always wonder if it will snow on your birthday...  There's no snow in today's forcast, but I still wonder.  A flake or two always seem to fall on the 16th (although last year was warm, a bit moreso than today, yet still unseasonable. :)  It makes me think of you (and, of your 2nd birthday, when there was a beautiful tree covered in snow).  If you'd been born at term in the summer, would you have still sent a snowflake to herald your coming into the world?

I had a goal for your birthday this year...  Since, I enrolled and began my doula training and started MHB on your birthday last year, I decided that, by this year, I wanted to have completed my coursework.  And I have, sweetheart.  I have finished all of the coursework for both the doula and childbirth education classes.  There's still work to be done (which, I'm hoping, I can say "Happy 5th Birthday!" to with certification documents in tow!), but what I wanted to finish has been done.  Happy Birthday, sweetie.  I like to think that, had things been different, you might be my homebirthed, hippie girl... hair in long braids, flowing skirt, organic fruit in hand as you lament the medicalized nature of womanhood before you run out to attend to one of your homebirthing friends.  Perhaps this is my way of channeling you, sweet girl.  I smile as I write that, and now I know I'll smile when I think it too.

I read over your birthday letter from last year and I wrote of an image that has constantly filled my mind over the last few years: that of your wedding day... brushing your hair before securing your veil... laughing with you and remembering your childhood before sending you off on that voyage of womanhood.  I still see that, from time to time.  Sometimes, it's you... Sometimes, it's a vision of Maya in the wedding dress, with you at her side.  You are there... Clearly...  Ever-present.

Just like now.  Different than we had planned, but ever-present.  Our wisdom.  Our sweet, sweet daughter.

I'd intially thought of making you a cake for your birthday- I mean, it's your birthday after all and what's a birthday without cake- but this year, I've felt like you'd want to be different... Special... Cookies.  So, I'm making cookies.  And, for whatever reason, I'm feeling like you want orange marmalade chocolate cookies, rolled in powdered sugar.  I havent even searched for a recipe yet... But, rest assured, you'll have your orange-chocolate cookies... Even if I have to go to Florida and pick the oranges myself! :)

There's another special event planned.  Your PawPaw told us all about a special library event this morning.  While we normally dont 'plan' events on birthdays, we thought you wouldnt mind, seeing as you are one of our heros, if we brought the kids to visit some great American heros.  So, we'll go to Mass, then head on down to meet the Airmen.  I think you'd have liked that too.  In my mind's eye, I see you as quite the history buff.  Your twin brother, too.  You guys always loved hearing Modern Marvels start on the History Channel.  (Your baby twin siblings, on the other hand, loved the opening to Good Eats, on the Food Network...)

You arent in our arms, sweet SophieGirl, but you're in our hearts.  And you're the spark that still shines in our eyes.  But I miss you.  My arms ache to hold you... My ears long to hear your laughter...  One day, my sweet.  One day.  I know, in my heart, this is true.

We love you, baby girl.  Happy 4th Birthday, Sophia.
Love,
Mommy