I WANT CHOCOLATE (LOMIM)

(Originally posted here)


Or something sweet.  At this point, I dont care what it is.  I'm just tired and hungry and emotionally drained... hence the desire for food, and bad-for-me food no less. 

Honestly, I dont feel that way about chocolate, that it's bad for me.  Everything's good... in moderation.  It's more the fact that I want an entire tray of cupcakes that I'm thinking is a bad sign today...

Part of it is that Bobby and Maya opted to take a morning nap yesterday but no afternoon nap.  So, by 8 o'clock last night, they were out.  For the count.  Now, some people may say, "Great! An extra long bedtime!"  But these kids took one trait from Mommy: 8 hours of sleep is not the recommendation- it's the max.  So, while we were hoping for an 11 hour stretch, that is not what we got...  They were up... at 4:30am...  And they weren't going back to sleep.  Which, had we gone to bed at 8pm, might have been fine.  But, after they went to bed, I went to the gym for a bike ride (which was great, by the way), and then came home and we chatted until well after midnight.  I didnt doze off until almost 3am.  So, when you add in the 4:30 dual alarm... Nice.

Peter took Bobby duty and I had Maya.  Both were happy to be awake.  We tried snuggling, nuzzling, even  a bottle!  I'm not sure when Mr. B. eventually crashed again, but Maya decided to fall asleep around 5:30, then wake up at 5:45 as soon as I got up (so I quickly returned because, at that point, I just wanted to sleep and I didnt care where).  Of course, just shy of 7am, Peter woke me up to tell me he was showering and, five minutes later, Bobby was up and ready to go.  Of course he was...

So, up I was and up I've been.  I tried to snuggle him back and that worked for all of five minutes before he decided he wanted to P-L-A-Y!!!  And, a little later, Maya joined him. 

And here we are.  With me wanting to eat a pan of brownies... or an entire chocolate cake... Or just SOMETHING!!!

Part of it is that feeling control.  I can eat and eat if I want- I CAN!  I cant do that!  Last night... early this morning, rather... no control.  The other part of it, as any food addict knows, is that feeling of "mmm...delicious" that comes with that first bite.  (and, no doubt, the fact that I'm pissed that the scale didnt show me what I expected and wanted to see isn't helping!)

The thing is, I have desserts in the house.  In fact, I'm standing next to the M&M bowl and candy dish right now.  I have some chips in the pantry, and a variety of other 'eat the whole box' treats.  I know I'd have instant food regret the second I gave in to the "evil monkey". 

It's strange, the pulling in two directions.  The one that says "Just eat it... It'll be okay... You can always get back to normal tomorrow."  The one that says "It's okay.  You don't need food to satisfy an emotional craving.  Kiss the kids.  Write a blog post.  Call Peter.  Call Sarah.  Food is fuel...  Right now, it would just be emotional baggage.  Walk away."  I know what I'll do.  I'm already doing it.  And it's the right thing, on all counts.

But, it doesnt deny that those old urges can still come back- and with a vengeance.    It's strange, too, though...  I dont feel commanded by them.  I dont feel enslaved.  They are there.  I want (fill in the blank) but, at one time, I would have felt like there was no other option but to give in.  Now, not so much.  That's something...

A big something...

I'll put this one in the win column.