It's Not Your Fault

Yesterday, as we were driving towards the highway from the hospital and I was having a good cry at realizing that, sans a piece of nylon in my whoohaa, I would have gone into labor with my two perfect babies, Peter said, "I know you still do, but I hope that this proves to you that it was nothing you did... That you did everything right... That this wasn't your fault."

I think that, whenever a pregnancy ends prior to full term or without a live, healthy baby, we mothers do feel like we failed. What if I'd done this... Not done that... Done this instead... If only I'd... I can't lie and say that thoughts dont haunt me still. Was it that? This? What didnt I do? God, what did I do?

It's hard when we see people mistreating their bodies and harming their unborn child(ren). (Have I mentioned my brother and his knocked up girlfriend, who smoke and drink? Who rarely get prenatal care and havent popped a prenatal vitamin?) Those of us who struggled to get pregnant (or even didnt struggle) and had losses... Who did "everything right"... Who never missed taking a vitamin or making a prenatal appointment... It has to be us. We have to blame ourselves. Who else is there to blame?

Truly, I try to remember that we did what we could with the knowledge that we had at the time. My cervix always looked good. Always. Heck, 2 weeks ago, it looked great! Little liar... I dont know why it is screwed up. I'm adopted and, although I dont think that I was exposed to DES in the womb, I suppose it is possible. I was born premature, so perhaps my cervix never strengthened as it should have even though it developed normally. I dont know. I'm not sure that focusing on the why it doesn't work right will ever be helpful. Something that this pregnancy proved is that bedrest wont work. Nothing but God's will and the stitch will stop my cervix from going from perfect to a disaster in moments. Thank God for letting our paths cross with Dr Bailey. I said a prayer yesterday for him. I cant express how grateful I am for his compassion and care.

In spite of having "goals" set of 26w, 32w, and 36w, I'm still not thinking of them like that. I know those are Dr B's goals for the safety of the babies. But, even today, I still have that feeling of, no matter when, they are safe... loved... okay. And, in spite of my pissed off-ness that my cervix is failing to cooperate and my sorrow at hitting this point much earlier than I had hoped, I am enjoying that we are here... Today... This day... With Bobby and Maya. Tomorrow will deal with itself. I have them today.

It was hard going to the doctor yesterday. At 17w4d in Nicholas & Sophia's pregnancy, also a Wednesday, we were going to the MFM doctors with only Sophia in utero. That appointment caused a lot of bleeding afterwards... Contractions began on Friday, my water broke Saturday afternoon, and she was born that night. I have no doubts (now) that the infection had already started and was running its course, even with no outside symptoms, and that the appointment did nothing to hasten Sophia's entrance into the world. But it wasnt that way for a while. And it was quite a bit unnerving to have another appointment on that same day. But it was also reassuring in a way. It was with Dr B and not a complete stranger. It was, overall, a really positive appointment, not one with the overtones of "we dont even know why you are still pregnant... are you sure you dont want to abort?" (We ended up at a different hospital because it was the one that we were transported to after Nicholas, so they scheduled Sophia's follow up there).

Sitting in Dr B's office yesterday, I heard two things that broke my heart. One was a woman who had just had her 10w ultrasound... And saw that her baby had died around 7w. She said to the woman at the desk, "I need to schedule a D & E." Which, perked my ears up and made me cry inside. As she continued talking and accepting the nurse's condolences, she shared that this was her 9th pregnancy and that she has 2 living children at home. Peter just clutched my hand. There werent words. It just hurt too much. The next was that I overheard Dr B on the phone, telling another patient how sorry he was. That sometimes we just dont know why a pregnancy looks good and ends in miscarriage. How, if she needed to talk, to not hesitate to call him. It reminded me of the notes he sent us after Nicholas & Sophia and Alexander were born, and the note of congratulations he sent us after we notified him of this pregnancy. He really does care about his patients. Why arent all doctors this compassionate?

In fun news... I am posting from my new laptop! Peter worked on getting it ready last night and this morning before work. (I slept after dinner last night and didnt get up except to go to the bathroom, so he worked on it for several hours then). I still have to update files from the iMac that are on my thumb drive, but so far, it works great!