Tuesday, May 8, 2012


After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
-Aldous Huxley

I'm a musician. I love music, actually. It courses through my veins much like my blood and I breathe it in as I do air. It brings me to a place of peace, a place of heartbreak, a place of joy, a place of sadness, but always a place. It can remind me of a moonlit night on a sunswept beach or of gardening in the sun... Of holding my children... Of the beating of my husband's heart.

Each of our children has their own song. I dont know that I ever thought it would work out that way or that there would be some song that reminded me of each of them. But, as the years have gone on, there are certain songs that just bring them to mind.

For Nicholas, it's You Are Mine. This is a religious song and, although we've sang it to each of the kids and it was played at Nicholas and Sophia's Memorial Mass, for me, it is his song. They may borrow it, but it's Nicholas's.

For Sophia, it's the Evanescence song, My Last Breath.  This is part of my running playlist and it never fails to give my heart a tug when I hear it.  The words... Chills just thinking about it.

Little Alexander lightens the mood (and takes us back a few decades) with the Beatles' Here Comes the Sun.  It was the first morning home after he was born and passed away, and we were listening to music.  For some reason, I had a Beatles CD in my computer.  This song came on.  The sun streamed in through the shades and I felt like I was going to survive.  It would be hard, but we'd make it.  It was as though he was telling us "It's going to be okay. You're going to get through this."  And we did.

Bobby...  Clearly, for me, it's Oh Bobby Boy, aka Oh Danny Boy, but with Bobby's name inserted.  (I sing Oh Maya Girl too, but Oh Bobby Boy was NICU favorite and, to this day, is the song they get put down to nap to).  Now, for Bobby, I think he'd  tell you it's Ode to Mabon, a song that I wrote to herald the fall equinox years ago.  For whatever reason, all I have to do is play the first few bars of the opening and he is spellbound. He will crawl into my lap at the piano or pull his chair over and just watch me sing it.  Loves that song.  It is guaranteed to bring him running from wherever he is.

Maya... For me, it's Carrickfergus.  Another NICU hangover.  I always sang this to her and she'd lay her head down on me (and still does) to rest and relax.  If she had to pick, I think she'd say my simple version of Stones on piano.  Peter played this version of Stones, which has my voice mixed with GrottoDragon's beautiful score, to all of the kids but I'm not nearly as talented as GD, so my piano playing is a lot more simple and based on the original music.

So, as the sky continues to be overcast and I set my playlist for these songs, I can take a few moments to reflect on each of my precious little ones and the lasting marks they've left, written across my heart, like their own unique sheet music. 

Are there any songs that remind you of your child(ren)? Reasons why or just that the song hits 'that' spot in your heart?


Anonymous said...

There are definitely a couple of songs which are Gwen's songs for me. One is R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It", the subject line of the email I sent to my parents with her first ultrasound pictures attached.

And then there are three Crosby, Stills, & Nash songs that I sing to her a lot -- I discussed why here: http://aryanhwy.livejournal.com/327294.html

trennia said...

I too have songs for my heavenly and earthly babies/children!

Sara's song "Sara's smile" because her smile brightens my day!

Elizabeth's song "Beth I hear you calling"
I just love this song for some reason I said it would be our daughter's song!

Joni's song "Don't cry Joni" again I just love this song and I never thought about naming one of my girls Joni but I did :)

Julie's song "When you say nothing at all"
because when she was a baby I would sang this and she would get so relaxed in my arms.

Hunter and Heather's song "In the arms of the angel" because when I miscarried I listened to this song and it spoke to my heart.

Samuel's song "I want to be just like you"
I love this song so much and the chorus goes like this "Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me"

Emily "You are so beautiful to me"
this is the song that played when the ultrasound tech left her profile up to go get the dr. and the day he said she would not survive.
I am so happy you do this too,it's a blessing!

Paula said...

Jason's is Leann Rimes How Do I Live Without You. I heard it while we were waiting for him to get his spinal tap when he had meningitis and its stuck with me since.

Catherine W said...

What a beautiful post, I still have the recording of you singing 'Stones' that you sent me what feels like so many years ago and, at the same time, only yesterday, on my iPod. There is something about songs that you sang in the NICU that seems to stick. I love 'Danny Boy', my FIL sings that one. I sang 'Morning Town Ride' to the twins and I find I can't sing that anymore at all. Jessica is certainly 'Bright As Yellow' by The Innocence Mission. I think because when she was so tiny and sick, she still seemed so very much alive, as though she was living with every single little cell of her being. Also 'Amazing' by Janelle as that is what I set her birth to one video too.
Reuben's song to me is 'Heaven Must Have Sent You' by The Elgins. Because it's just so sunny and loving and it reminds me of him.