After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
I'm a musician. I love music, actually. It courses through my veins much like my blood and I breathe it in as I do air. It brings me to a place of peace, a place of heartbreak, a place of joy, a place of sadness, but always a place. It can remind me of a moonlit night on a sunswept beach or of gardening in the sun... Of holding my children... Of the beating of my husband's heart.
Each of our children has their own song. I dont know that I ever thought it would work out that way or that there would be some song that reminded me of each of them. But, as the years have gone on, there are certain songs that just bring them to mind.
For Nicholas, it's You Are Mine. This is a religious song and, although we've sang it to each of the kids and it was played at Nicholas and Sophia's Memorial Mass, for me, it is his song. They may borrow it, but it's Nicholas's.
For Sophia, it's the Evanescence song, My Last Breath. This is part of my running playlist and it never fails to give my heart a tug when I hear it. The words... Chills just thinking about it.
Little Alexander lightens the mood (and takes us back a few decades) with the Beatles' Here Comes the Sun. It was the first morning home after he was born and passed away, and we were listening to music. For some reason, I had a Beatles CD in my computer. This song came on. The sun streamed in through the shades and I felt like I was going to survive. It would be hard, but we'd make it. It was as though he was telling us "It's going to be okay. You're going to get through this." And we did.
Bobby... Clearly, for me, it's Oh Bobby Boy, aka Oh Danny Boy, but with Bobby's name inserted. (I sing Oh Maya Girl too, but Oh Bobby Boy was NICU favorite and, to this day, is the song they get put down to nap to). Now, for Bobby, I think he'd tell you it's Ode to Mabon, a song that I wrote to herald the fall equinox years ago. For whatever reason, all I have to do is play the first few bars of the opening and he is spellbound. He will crawl into my lap at the piano or pull his chair over and just watch me sing it. Loves that song. It is guaranteed to bring him running from wherever he is.
Maya... For me, it's Carrickfergus. Another NICU hangover. I always sang this to her and she'd lay her head down on me (and still does) to rest and relax. If she had to pick, I think she'd say my simple version of Stones on piano. Peter played this version of Stones, which has my voice mixed with GrottoDragon's beautiful score, to all of the kids but I'm not nearly as talented as GD, so my piano playing is a lot more simple and based on the original music.
So, as the sky continues to be overcast and I set my playlist for these songs, I can take a few moments to reflect on each of my precious little ones and the lasting marks they've left, written across my heart, like their own unique sheet music.
Are there any songs that remind you of your child(ren)? Reasons why or just that the song hits 'that' spot in your heart?