Part of our discussion was weight. While we'd kept up on FB, we hadnt seen each other since I attended a mom's group (where we met), back when the kids were still in infant seats... That's quite a while. We both have eating issues and have struggled with our weight.
But it got me to thinking... Especially now that I'm training for the Marathon, I've gotten back into monitoring my food (to make sure I'm fueling enough for my running days and not overdoing it on my non-running days). In the couple of weeks since this started, I'm down 8 pounds (don't applaud... My weight had gotten back up to 178 from 165 (over my birthday) when I took the second half of 2011 off). As of this morning, I'm back down to 170 (with a goal, still, of 150 at some point, but a happy place of 155-160, I think). But, in talking to her (and this is someone who really gets it, so there's no need for me to be), I'm embarrassed.
It still bothers me to have to admit that the problem wasn't Hashimoto's or PCOS (not that those helped at all), but that it was me. My lack of self-control. My denial of what was right in front of my face. My fault.
I look back on the photos, and I can't help but feel, truth be told, awful. Like I threw years of my life away. That it didnt have to be that way.
Peter and I were chatting after the day, and when I told him that I feel like a phoney because I still have the exact same issues as the obese-me had (I just control them better) and I havent overcome anything, he said something interesting. He said that it isnt about feeling like you've overcome... That it really is about the day-by-day, the just getting through the issue for the day. That it's alright if I still feel like I want to ravage the fridge for no good reason- because I dont. Because I found out that the reason is deeper inside that I ever thought before. It's not that Bobby and Maya are the only reason- it's that they showed me the real reason is to be a better me. For them, yes, but for me, too.
He's a smart guy, this man I married. As we inch closer to the 14th anniversary of our meeting that fateful night in 1998, I'm reminded over and over again of why I fell in love with him in that moment, and why our love has endured and grown over the years. Even in my mopey moments, he still can shine a ray of sunshine.
I look back with guilt and regret, but when I see him look back at those pictures, he doesnt. I see a fat girl- he sees the woman he loves (then and now). When I complain that I look awful, he tells me that my eyes were sparkling or that my hair framed my face nicely. And it isnt just because he's trying to find the icing on the (GOD AWFUL) cake... It's because he really sees it that way.
I'm a lucky girl. A girl with issues, but with a lot of luck.