Were You There...

Oh little Zoë... Sometimes I have to wonder if you were really with us, your time on earth was so short. But when I think back, I know that you were. One year ago, I went in for an hCG beta that came back under 25, which is considered "negative", a "non-viable pregnancy"; Dr L assumed that, although we conceived you, you werent able to implant and slowly slipped away from us. Even writing this, it pains me so much. We only held you inside from the 11th-25th, but those 14 days were worth every moment, just knowing that we had you there. When I began to bleed, I wept for the hugs I wouldnt be able to give you, the kisses I couldnt plant on your forehead, the bedtime stories we wouldnt be able to read you, the pictures I wouldnt be able to cling to in the darkness. Even though I dont have those pictures, the little girl you would have been is firmly implanted in my mind and, if I think hard enough, I can pull you up... long brown hair like your Mimi, gray eyes like your Grandpa, and cute ears, just like Daddy... You'll always be there in my memory, even if I was never able to lay eyes on you in life.

And so now, today, one year later as I listen to your siblings make happy baby noises in their sleep, I realize that you came to us for only a short time so that they could be here with us now. And, while it doesnt mitigate my sadness at losing you, it makes me feel blessed to know that I was able to have you all, even if for such a short time.