Wow... So, I took a plunge and put up one of those baby counter things. I always liked the ones that showed the little baby/babies dancing in midair, but I needed one that would show the correct date as well as my scheduled delivery date (2 weeks earlier), so the one of the side won out. It says 223 days to go. Less than 8 months... 7 months and 11 days I guess?
There are moments where it hits me that I'm pregnant. Not just that, but that Peter and I are expecting a baby without cycle monitoring, fertility medications, ultrasounds, IUIs, and a doctor in the room. That we just did what "everyone else" seems to do and this happened. I mean, I know the mechanics of it all, but I'm still a bit shocked.
I was pleasantly suprised that I know when I ovulated and that I felt different early into the game; it gives me hope that I somehow am learning my body and that it is working normally. Small things. I'll take it! When the ultrasound came up yesterday and, after checking for the heartbeat, Dr. Bailey called the date as 5w6d, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. If I was 7 weeks, like the first day of my period would have suggested, I think I would have felt a bit off. First off, like how did this happen before the MCM, but also, like how did this happen and I not know? As funny as it sounds, 24 hours later, I said to Peter after that I was really happy that I kind of knew myself. It even sounds dumb writing it, but it's true.
Dr. B. still seems to have some concerns, even with the TAC. I know his TAC experience is minimal, which explains some of his concerns no doubt, but he seems to view it as similar to the Shirodkar TVC. Dr. Haney, who placed the TAC, disagrees, and feels that the TAC is significantly better. I'm sure hoping he's right; with Bobby and Maya in play, I can't even imagine bedrest or, worse, an extended hospital stay. I refuse to consider the worse alternatives as well, which means that I'm hoping and praying for the "bionic cervix" that I've heard other TAC-after-loss moms talk about.
From an emotional standpoint, I think I'm actually okay. Pretty positive. I'm trying to stay focused on doing the best I can, regardless of what may happen. I can't control the future, so I've given it over the Great Spirit. What else can I do? I can stay healthy, be the best mom to all my kids that I can be, and stay focused on the positive. Dr. B. seemed to think it was funny that I wanted to nail down a delivery date, and said he was happy to see me so optimistic about July. But what else can I be? If I think about the TAC not holding up, or not getting us to full term, I'll drive myself insane. Why go through that? If the TAC is going to fail, it's going to do it whether or not I'm happily looking forward to July or pacing and crying in my tea because I just know I'm going to lose this baby, too. No point. We are happy, we are prayerful, and we know that, whether this child leaves us tomorrow, or next year, in a hundred years, that we were chosen to be his or her parents for a reason and that gift is such a blessing.