Maternity Clothes

I'm not a fashionista, and, pretty much, I wear what fits and is comfortable.

When I was pregnant, I fell in love with Motherhood Maternity, and all their cutesy pregnancy things.  I mean, when else do you get to promote your belly!

With Nicholas and Sophia, I bought a few cute tops and wore mostly yoga pants, although I had 2 pair of maternity pants I really liked.  One of those tops and the jeans were cut off when Nicholas was born.  I wish that I had a piece of them somewhere, but they were in an ambulance somewhere and were, no doubt, destroyed.  Whatever might have been fragmented at home surely was tossed out in the cleaning process before we can home from the hospital, but I dont remember my clothes being cut off in the house.

With Alexander, I bought a few more pieces and wore them every chance I got, just to relish being in those maternity fashions (if one could use that word!).  I still have the PJ bottoms I was wearing when I went to the hospital; I wore them the other day.  I cant ever imagine getting rid of them.

With Bobby and Maya, I didnt invest in any new maternity clothes, save some nightgowns and stretchy tank tops for the hospital, and a nice set of "visiting PJs" that Peter bought me, so that I'd look somewhat presentable when people came by the house before I was admitted.  I still have those in my regular clothes drawer.

Before they came home from the hospital, I packed up my maternity clothes in a bin and put them in Maya's closet.  I mean, I wasnt pregnant anymore; I didnt really need them out.  They arent the right season, and I dont want to draw attention to my belly.  In my head, I've told myself that I really need to donate them or sell them or something... They are just sitting in the closet.  But...  I cant.  Every time I've gone to get them out, I just cant do it.

I decided the other day that I was REALLY going to do it.  And, before I even had a chance to draft a craigslist ad, I was smacked on the head by a woman in need.  She's just lost her job, has a baby on the way plus kids at home, and is in need of- you guessed it- maternity clothes because she has grown out of her regular clothes... And, she's my size...

And, I have enough clothes to fill 2 garbage bags sitting in an upstairs closet, with no one to wear them.

I emailed her, and right away, she emailed back.  So, I packed up the clothes and they are now in those bags in my trunk.  I'm meeting her tonight to give them away.

I know they are just clothes, but I miss them already.  I miss knowing that they hugged my body when I was pregnant.

There's one shirt... Black and gray...  My mother-in-law bought it when I was pregnant for the first time, with P, way back when...  Gosh, a decade ago really... Wow...  I've worn it with every pregnancy.  It was my "good luck shirt".  It's the only thing that I wore with every single baby.  Putting it in the bag was hard.

Do I keep it?  Do I pull it out before I meet her tonight?  What will I do with it, just put it in a drawer?  Stick it in their memory boxes?  Wear it?  Cuddle in it when the grief hits really hard, like a security blanket?  I dont know...

Or do I let it go?  Let it be worn by another mother, with dreams and hopes...  With the chance that it will welcome other babies into the world...

I dont know...  It hurts my heart to think about letting any of them go, especially this one shirt.  And then it ticks me off that I'm attached to some clothes!  I mean, really- they are clothes!  And they belong with people who need them.  And I dont.  So I should just suck it up and move on...  But...  I cant...  And I cant rationalize it out either.

Peter says I should save the shirt.  Maybe I will...  Maybe I'll cuddle in it right now, while the rest of the house is sleeping peacefully, and I'm still awake.