On the Wall

Our house is an old fashioned colonial. The stairs to our 2nd floor open into the loft where our laundry area is; you can either proceed into the bathroom area or you can go down the hall that has the office on one side, the kids' bedroom on the other, and dumps you into our bedroom, to which the nursery attaches (and shares the wall with what will become their bedroom). That hallway has always been envisioned by us as the hallway of pictures. On one side, we have two paintings that my father completed of Peter and I, followed by pics of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. I'll be adding Bobby and Maya once I find the same frames that I have for their siblings, since I'd like them to match. The opposite wall is empty. This was the wall that we always saw as the "growing up" wall... The wall where we would put pictures of our children as they grow up.

But not all of our children. Not now. And that really hurts.

I asked my mother-in-law yesterday if it was hard to watch Peter do things that Robert never would: graduating HS, going to college, getting married, having children. She nodded that yes, it was hard, but that it was harder watching Peter do those things without his brother by his side. Yes. I can understand that. From Peter's perspective and now, from hers. And from my own.

They will never grow up. They will perpetually be my babies. My tiny, sweet miracles. My piece of heaven. Lost in the stars. Black-and-white. Never aging. Unchanging.

I bought frames and have added pictures of Bobby and Maya. A picture of Peter kissing my belly. Bath time. Dressed up. College frames that hold more than one picture. Pictures that show them as babies... Growing up. But there is another frame. A frame for the brothers and sister they will not know physically in this world: their names in the sand, Seraphim's gorgeous photos, Carleigh's Mom, Holly's, photo. We've talked about adding a picture on their birthdays... A picture where we age but they dont... I dont know. We dont know. All I know is that as happy as I am to hang photos on that wall, I am also hurting.

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We received a box from Mimi and Grandpaw (or Granddad... Not sure what my stepdad has decided on yet...) My mom sent beautiful ornaments for Bobby and Maya. And three, precious angel ornaments, each inscribed in her beautiful manuscript, the names and birthdays of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. She also sent an ornament of Peter and I holding Bobby and Maya, in black and white, held by and angel that says "watch over us". Really beautiful. All of them. I will update my ornaments post when I have pics.

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I did get to the gym on Monday for my Pilates class. It was great. I was sore yesterday but the class was great. Last night, I took a Body Flow class, which is a hybrid Tai Chi-Pilates-Yoga class. Again, awesome. It felt so good to finally get my body into movement. I am super sore today, but it feels good. And, best yet, I had given myself a January goal of 3 classes/week. Come Thursday, with another Body Flow class, I will have completed my goal! It is super hard to leave the babies, but I know that Peter enjoys his DaddyBabiesTime and, truth be told, I need to have MommyTime. I have noticed such a difference in how I feel, just by having that time. But it's hard. I still have nightmares of them dying in their sleep or having something happen while I am at the gym.

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Teething. Both at once. Maya started around 12-13 weeks and our pediatrician said that 3 months was around the earliest babies start but that we might not see a tooth poke through until 7 months old or so... that it all depends on the baby. Well, Bobby started around 16 weeks old. (They are 17 weeks tomorrow and 4 calendar months on Sunday). Last night... They both were up all night. They went to bed after eating around 11pm. Bobby was up from midnight until 3am and then he fell asleep and traded with Maya, who was sleeping, from 3am-6am. They both wanted to eat at 7am. And, even though I'd hoped to catch some sleep, they were raring to go by 9am. Fun times... The only thing that calmed them was when I rubbed their gums. I hate to see them in pain. I know this is normal, but still, it kills me to know that all I can really do is rub and hold and love. Our parents all used the bourbon-on-the-gums routine, but that really doesnt do much until teeth are actually cutting the gum. Right now, that isnt happening and it is just the uncomfortable feeling of teeth pressing on the gum. So... We just wait. And let them grow. Which, today, has meant trading them off. I give them that they are consistent with one another! One hurts then is comforted and falls asleep, and then the other wakes up hurting is comforted and falls asleep, and repeat.

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It's Three Kings Day. Little Christmas. Old Epiphany. Happy Day to those who celebrate. We are due to spend the evening with one of the sets of Godparents. I have the ingredients to bake a cake. That is my goal for the day. :) Just the one goal. :)

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Okay, sleeping Maya on my chest needs to be traded for crying Bobby. Have to go...