What I Didn't Want To Hear

Before I post, overall, my doctor's appointment for 17w4d was a positive one. Please don't worry about that. Dr. Bailey was happy.

First, I had to do the second round of bloodwork for the sequential and some additional tests that Dr B had ordered. Since the last time I went to the hospital lab came with an hour plus wait, we decided to leave early and go several hours prior to my 4:15 appointment with Dr B. So, we got to the lab around 2:15. Well, apparently, I needed to go over to patient registration to register to have my blood taken. (who knew?) So, I walk over and it is full. I'm thinking "glad we came early" as I go up to the desk. The woman takes my papers and copies my insurance card and drivers license. Then, she hands them off to another woman who immediately takes me back. Less than 5 minutes and I'm registered and back to the lab where I proceeded to sit down before the phlebotomist called me back. In 15 minutes, I was in the lab, in registration, back in the lab, and in the elevator to Dr. B's office- almost 2 hours before my appointment. And it was damn near empty! The receptionist just chuckled, said it was no problem that we were early. I read a little in my book and Peter worked a sodoku, which gave the other patients time to get called back and the ultrasound room time to get free (about an hour). Went in and waited maybe 15 more minutes before Dr B came in. My BP was still higher than desired at 132/86. Better than previous pregnancies, but I was in the green light range and I'm moving into yellow. We chatted about things and talked about the discomfort I've been having. He said that his hope was that it was just round ligament pain but that the u/s would show if my cervix was changing, which could also account for the pain.

The abdominal u/s showed two healthy, happy babies. We saw Maya first. She was stretched out and has long legs, just like her daddy! We saw nothing but this long leg and delicate foot. He scaled back and we could see her resting on her back. Very cute. Downstairs, Bobby was kicking his sister, rolling on his back, standing on his head, and doing everything else he could do to avoid getting his picture taken, the little stinker. Both looked and sounded great. Very refreshing.

But then the vaginal u/s started and my cervix came on the screen. The words out of his mouth: "Well, you've dilated to the stitch." My cervix that measured well over 4 two weeks ago is now at 2.8. right at the top of the stitch. He said what I knew and really, really didnt want to hear. "Without the stitch, you would have gone into labor." I started to cry quietly, even though I tried not to. He was very reassuring and said that he fully expected this because I have, what he called, a "true incompetent cervix", something that bedrest wouldnt guard against and something that only a cerclage can help. He said that he was happy that the stitch was still holding tightly and that it looked so well, and to try to not let the fact that my cervix opened worry me, since I still have almost 3 left of a closed cervix. He was adamant that he believes the stitch will hold.

Once the lights came back on, we discussed the next few weeks. He wants to give us the steroid injections at 25w in the event we go into labor early. He said that his hope is still for 36w and that right now, his count downs are 26w, 32w, and then 36w. Those are the milestones he wants for us. He said that, also, assuming my July and August appointments are "still very good", he thinks going to TN is a great idea to try and relax and destress. Driving over flying (which we knew) because of the change in pressure and he was very happy that we'd be within 5 min of Vanderbilt Hospital, which is a premier children's hospital. (My mom and step-dad live very close.)

I am not cleared from bedrest and, after today, I dont anticipate that, even with being allowed our trip to TN (where I am still expected to be in bed). But he was still happy with the appointment. Peter was too, and said that he expected this as well, that it wasnt "if" but "when". I guess, I had just really hoped that the bedrest would prolong it a bit more. I cant tell you how many IC-ers have written that their doctors told them that bedrest and cerclages have a similar success rate, so just go home and wait it out. Heck, I was told that after Nicholas was born! This just proves how fatal that advice can be. Without the cerclage, even with the bedrest, my babies would have been born within the last 2 weeks. I am so grateful to Dr. Bailey for being willing to put a preventative in at 11w. I dont know where we would be without his constant care and concern. And, he was so sweet; as our appointment was ending, he said, "Dont hesitate to come in if you are worried. I'll fit you in." Knowing how busy that office always is (save today and one other day I've been there), that really touched me.

Had I not had the recent encounter with the kids, I know that I would be through the roof right now. Instead, I have that knowledge that they are okay and no matter when they are born, they will be. I'm not focused on getting to August and getting to "viability". I'm still on today... 17w4d... That's all them...

After our appointment, we stopped by and visited our friends who just had baby Lucy. They are now home. She's a doll. I held her and she just curled up and fell asleep on my chest. It was so lovely... And heartbreaking too. My first thought when I saw her was "Alexander would be this big..." But soon it was catching up with our friends and enjoying Lucy for being Lucy, not for a reminder of my son. Peter held her too and she just curled up in the curve of his torso and stomach, contented to being held. So cute. It was great to see our friends and talk about their labor and how life is now. They've suffered 2 losses and Lucy is their little miracle, so it was a very sweet visit indeed.

My laptop arrived today. Peter will work on it this week and I will be posting from it soon. Happy Birthday to me (and only a little late!). The jewelry store also called. They can get real, mined alexandrite.... a tiny sliver is $200-300. Suffice it to say, we'll be going with synthetic. I mean, it's still real alexandrite; it's just made in a lab instead of mined from the Urals. It was funny though to get the response. I mean, wow. It's a rock for pete's sake!

I'm back in bed, feet up, laying down, and my dear sweet love is making Nicholas's special dinner. My bottom is sore from sitting up today, so I think I'll nap...