November 22nd... 16w6d in Alex's pregnancy... 11pm... After a pretty noneventful day at the hospital, we'd curled up in bed together and fallen asleep. I woke at 11pm, covered in blood. I woke Peter up and my initial fear was that I had delivered Alexander and didn't even know it. Peter checked and, thank God, no baby. He helped clean us quickly up before getting our nurse. She tried to get Alex's heartbeat... Nothing... Tried again... Nothing... I remember the thought of 'Oh God, my baby has died...' and feeling the life fall out of me. the OB on call came in with a portable u/s machine, after the head nurse also failed to locate his heartbeat on the doppler. One second... Two seconds... Three seconds... Suddenly, he was there, moving around, heart beating. A breath.... A second breath... He's okay... But he really wasnt. That blessed ultrasound that showed us our little soccer player still actively playing in the womb also showed that my placenta had detached. Those dreaded words: "I'm sorry; there's nothing I can do to stop your labor." Peter and I were quiet for a moment and then he calmly asked the doctor and nurses to leave us so that we could have Alexander quietly and peacefully, whenever he decided to be born, without intervention or medication. They were all so respectful. One of our nurses, the one who would baptize Alexander, wiped away a tear and I remember thinking, 'it's got to be bad if the nurse is crying'. She offered to call a priest and we agreed. Everyone left and Peter curled up behind me in bed. I remember holding my belly and crying, telling Alexander how much we loved him and were ready for him, whenever he decided it was time. It broke my heart to know that my baby boy was going to enter a world that couldnt care for him... couldnt save him... that all my love couldnt change that... We held him and sang to him and talked to him until the priest arrived around 1am. He prayed and talked to us... prayed over little Alex... asked God to watch over him as he was born and went to his heavenly home... He was very kind and we were so appreciative that he came in the middle of the night for people he didn't even know. The role of a priest, I know, but still touching when you are the person who needs them. And then, we were alone again. We curled up together, holding each other and my belly, feeling our cuddlebug moving back and forth, and we fell asleep. 3:40am- I woke up with a contraction and at 3:45, our precious Alexander was born.
Tomorrow... 3:45am... 17w... At 3:46am, Bobby and Maya will be older than their big brother, Alexander.
I've been sleeping all day this week. I'm up in the morning, back to bed by 10am and sleeping all day. I get up to eat, and then back to sleep. Peter comes home, I doze. It's bedtime, I go to sleep. I think it is my mind's defense mechanism to get through this time of pregnancy. It could also be a result of the meds which "may cause drowsiness" combined with growing 2 babes and being in bed anyway. It could be a lot of things, I suppose. But, nonetheless, I sleep.
Yesterday, after some seriously pornographic dreams (sorry... TMI), I woke up with cramping. My belly wasnt changing, no contractions, no severe pain, just lower belly cramping and severe gas. But I was terrified nonetheless. Honestly, and I know this is TMI, so my apologies, but for posterity... I thought I may have had an orgasm in my sleep (I told you, the dreams were BAD). Dr. Bailey had said an orgasm was okay (just no intercourse) but that isnt something we were planning on for a variety of reasons. But I didnt know what the cramping was and was grasping at straws and pretty much had a breakdown around 3:30 yesterday afternoon. Turns out that I had no real issues, other than the continued gas (which probably related to the cramping), which continues today.
But, the babies seem to be fine. They are moving from side to side. Peter gets a kick out of seeing my belly uneven. My belly button wont be in the middle but to the left or right. My stomach round on one side and indented on the other. Then back to center and normal again. It is neat. Heartbreaking at times, too, because of the nostalgia. But beautiful in its own right.
I got a baby shower invite for my brother's girlfriend yesterday. Don't get me started on those two. Thank God I live far away. I wish them the best but to say that they are 2 immature people is an understatement. I will send a gift. Thank God the shower is in July and not during our visit when I couldnt avoid it. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably... I love my brother. Dearly. I dont agree with many of his choices and I worry about the little boy they are bringing into the world. I worry incessantly. Please pray for J and L and their baby. Please pray for a pregnancy that I believe was planned to rope him into a relationship that he wasnt secure in. Please pray that I will keep my mouth shut and just try to be as supportive as I can be.
On a pleasant note, my new laptop shipped today! It should arrive this weekend or early next week. It's coming from Ohio via FedEx, so I almost think it will get here tomorrow. After all, Ohio and PA are neighbors! So, hopefully by next week, I will be posting from my new computer and things will move a little faster!
I just want to thank you all for being with us during this time. The comments and emails surrounding when Nicholas was gestationally born this pregnancy... The ones that I've gotten and know will come for Alexander's tomorrow. And the waiting with me as we move towards Sophia's.... And, for the days afterwards, which will be hard and great and bittersweet- thank you. We couldnt get through this without the support and love and understanding. So few people understand how we arent just over the moon in this pregnancy, how this pregnancy hasnt wiped away the pain of losing our children. But you do. You get it. Thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for knowing that even if we leave the hospital with two very healthy and alive babies that our hearts will still be hurting and our family will still be missing and mourning. Thank you for realizing that our miscarriages hurt, too. That while we dont discuss them as much, that when we view our family, we view those three precious little saints that we never got to see on an ultrasound or hold in our arms for even a moment. Thank you for knowing that, even though they were only here momentarily, they are our babies too and we miss them and, amongst ourselves, talk about them. Thank you for not discounting them in our family. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.