Bittersweet Symphony

So today was the big day! It's a happy day but also a sad day. A bittersweet day.

Eight years ago, I came home from the hospital, crestfallen and heartbroken, after an exam and ultrasound failed to find the baby that a home pregnancy test had revealed with a faint positive line several weeks before. The doctor's best guess was a chemical pregnancy that never developed beyond that possible moment in time when the faint line was visible or that the test was wrong and I'd never been pregnant. He even surmised that it could have been a tubal pregnancy that didn't grow, but knowing what I know now, I highly doubt that scenario. We were young and without insurance, so we put off visiting the doctor until we felt we really couldn't put it off, and instead of leaving with the happy news of a growing baby and an ultrasound picture to share, we were left broken. I think I believed for a long time that there was no greater heartbreak than the one I had that day. Today is that day. February 11th. I remember Peter holding me while I cried... Thinking I'd never get out of bed again... So very sad. The years have gone by but I still remember that ache and the "Why?" and the feelings of not understanding.

A year ago, our twins were born. Today was a Monday. Two days before my follow-up with the MFM doctors. I was in bed, sleeping a lot, and watching the History Channel. I would hold my stomach and feel Sophia swim back and forth all day long. She was quite our little athlete! A year ago, I struggled to cope with Nicholas's death and Sophia's life, hopeful for the best, preparing for the worst. Once again, I felt those feelings of "why" and "how could this have happened"? We had the best possible medical care and still... I simply couldn't comprehend it.

And now, today is also a day of happiness and anticipation, of hope for the future. The part of me that wants to see a big fat smiley face says that of course this must work out. It simply must! After all, I cycled on my own! The one injection was just a boost and my LH spiked without any help, moving our suspected ovulation day up. This was my body working. Of course, that must be a sign. And then at today's appointment. Things went well. (The drive to the appointment, not so much... A terrible car accident that held things up, no one was hurt, thank goodness.) The analysis came back better than the ones before and the IUI procedure went off without a hitch. We held and kissed during our half hour wait, as we have all the times previous. It was actually quite romantic (well, as romantic as a doctor's office and inversion can be!) Today is day 1. Hopefully. 0dpo. I'll start progesterone supplements on 3dpo (Saturday) and then have my first blood test to monitor my progesterone (we want to see a number above 15 since I'll be taking the supplements) a week from today, at 7dpo. 14dpo is the next "big day". The pregnancy blood test... 2 days after Alexander's 3 month birthday. Another bittersweet encounter, I suppose...

I have started the baby journal. I began Nick & Sophie's and Alexander's on the date of our first appointment with Dr. Lee. They detail those 2 weeks of waiting and numbers and this and that. The hopes and, in Alexander's case, the sadness of those long weeks before their conception and their times with us. I started this one on Monday. It has 2 entries in it and already we are at the big O. Wow... Have I mentioned that I'm still in shock over that, LOL? I am, however, excited to write today's entry. Ovulation day is always a happy entry and I re-read our children's journals all the time, stopping especially on this day and their birthdays.

As though this news isn't grand enough, I have more good news. Catholic Social Services called me yesterday, late afternoon. We have an appointment for next Wednesday! (Wednesdays seem to be important days this month...). The supervisor of the group is coming out for our home interview. It feels like this process has taken so long. But we are looking forward to talking to her. I'm sure come Monday, my fears are going to take over and I'll be a complete basketcase all next week. Although, I guess the good thing is that I'll have my bloodwork in the morning so I'll be biting my nails until the results come back and, should they be good, it'll keep me on cloud 9 for the rest of the afternoon. I won't have time to be nervous!

February was a horrible month for 7 years. Last year, it became a month full of happiness and sorrow. And now, 9 years later, perhaps it will be a year full of joy without the bitter sting of pain. We will see...