Time has lost most of its meaning and completely its depth. I used to remember days gone by, but not really. Not now. I find myself saying "I can't believe X days/weeks/months have gone by..." To me, life stopped a year ago. My precious Alexander happened and he picked it up for a few months, but losing him hit rewind on my life and I am back, a year ago. Somehow different with three children instead of two, but still, back. The weather is cold again. We have a fire in the stove and cuddle up under the blankets. I am at work. But then there are so many changes... We cry a lot more... Sit in silence a lot more... Fight more, maybe? I don't know... I'm not sure if the discussions we have are fights or more our frustrations coming to light. I don't think they are fights... A fight is more indicative of a disagreement. We aren't disagreeing, just frustrated with how things are... Maybe instead of "fight more", I should say "Are frustrated more..."
We are frustrated right now. We say things, countless words falling out of the telephone or email, how we feel without thought for how those words will make the other person feel. We don't have the answers to the questions, don't have any way to fix things. And how could we? There is no way to fix this. This is a break in our lives that is forever. You don't fix the broken china that is life once your children die; you just try to pick up the pieces, cutting yourself with the shards, hiding the hurt from the rest of the world.
There's very little that holds a lot of meaning for me these days: Peter & our children (the memories of those once here and the hopes of those yet to come), Church... That about sums it up. I'm doing my best to keep up with friendships, but at times, it is hard. Funny thing is, the friendships that are easiest aren't the ones I would have thought. There are a few treasured folks who dont hide from any of this... They are the ones that it is easy to talk to, to try and let out some of the me who wants to hide forever. In that way, I am so lucky.
I pray a lot more. A lot of people have said how things like this destroy their faith in God. At this point, God's about all I have left. I have to believe. If I thought for one second that God had abandoned me completely, that there was no God and that my children's lives were over- that I would never see them again, hold them again, kiss their soft foreheads again... I would die, right now. I couldn't go on without that hope, that belief that they are still with us... That they have not died but been born to real life. That one day, I will be with them. And, so my faith is stronger than ever before. Now, I have a reason greater than myself to believe: them. Peter and I are starting an Adoration assignment tonight/tomorrow. We signed up f0r 2am on Tuesday mornings. So, less than 10.5 hours from now, we will be in church, sitting with Jesus. It is one of the most amazing things to do... It is the one place where I feel so free, so open, so not alone. We've been going to the 2 churches in our area that do it, randomly. During a snow storm, we went to one and they were closed. I was so devastated. I actually started to cry in the parking lot. It had been such a rough day. Peter and I had driven to our church to pick something up (that wasnt there) because I had said that I would. I asked him to drive to the church in Lansdale, the next town over, for some time with the Blessed Sacrament and, even though he wasnt really up for it, he did. We get there and the chapel is dark. I tried the doors but they were locked. And, completely lost at that point, in the cold, bitter, snowy night, I just broke down and cried. It felt like even God had closed the door on me. Peter seemed to know exactly what I was thinking because I remember him saying "God hasn't left. He's still here." We got in the car and he told me that he'd check St. Mary's, which is on the other side of our house. Honestly, I was feeling kind of hopeless at this point, but he was driving and so we went.
The chapel at St. Mary's looked dark but I got out of the car and tried the door. OPEN! Peter parked in the snow and we went inside. A candle flickered in the silence. The monstrance was open and empty. But still, the sense of holiness filled the room. We sat and prayed together. At some point, the door opened and someone else came in, another soul wandering in the winter weather, looking for peace and finding it, there, in that small chapel. We signed up for an Adoration spot the next day.
2am is getting closer with every second...
In less than a week, Nicholas's first birthday will be here. A week later, our consult with Dr. Lee. A week after that, Sophia's first birthday. And, a week after that, Alexander's 3 month birthday. Already 2009 has been full of things that are hard, but beautiful, too. My beautiful children... I'm looking at their pictures on my desk right now. How I love to look at them. They are the most beautiful of God's creatures, and I get to call them "my babies". Amid the hurt, there is such beauty in those words.
And, on that note, I will finish up my work for the day and get ready to go home...