It's been a bit...

On Sunday, I had day one of the state library conference. It lasted through Wednesday, and since I barely had time to check my email, I decided I'd wait to blog until I returned. So, I am back, and all checked in with the blogs I love to watch.

Peter is terribly sick. He got his flu shot on Friday and by Monday was coming down with a cold. He hasnt taken great care of himself (although he has drank the herbal tea I've been making him). He's spent the last few nights coughing and sneezing with congestion and a stuffy nose (which means I haven't slept either...) He had a fever on Tuesday that broke around 11pm, but then last night, he had a higher fever. It broke around 2am, and he's doing better. Today, he actually took my advice and stayed home. He was so busy at work Monday-Wednesday that he wouldnt. But today... Finally! He called me at work a few times to check in (I didnt want to call and wake him up), and he sounded a little better each time. I went home midday (the joys of working close to home!) and checked on him. He's doing much better, and eating again! Since I have a special surprise for him tomorrow (can't tell you- he checks my blog every now and again!), I'm hoping he feels a lot better!

Little Alexander is one tired, hungry baby! I have to eat every 2 hours or so, or I start to feel famished... Like I will fall over if I don't eat NOW. And I'm so tired that I usually fall asleep on the couch when I get home from work, not to mention sometimes have to nap at the library! So far, just like his daddy! ;-) He's doing so well... Me, not so much (emotionally), but he is the epitome of perfection (even his doctor says so!).

Saturday is the day in pregnancy that I went into labor with Nicholas. I thought I had more time, honestly, then earlier in the week decided to look at their calendar and- sure enough- the sticker that said "It's a boy"... It was on the last day of that week... And now, here I am, nearing Saturday: the last day of this pregnancy week on the calendar. I'm a nervous wreck. I try to tell myself that Alex is so healthy and my cervix is fine, but, those were the same things I had going into February 1st... Nick and Sophie were perfectly healthy and my cervix (2 weeks before) looked normal. As normal as my cervix looked last Wednesday... I had a full blown panic attack in the kitchen. If Peter hadn't been standing next to me, I would have ended up on the floor. I just can't believe I'm already at this point again...

The flip side is that I know what my son looks like. I know that he has all his fingers and toes, that his little eyes (though moving) are closed. That his hands can wrap around our fingers and that his little body, though small, is perfect in everyway. Nicholas brought us that glimpse of an early baby, a baby alive when born, with a desperate desire to live... I know that, in 2 weeks, like his sister, Sophia, Alexander will almost double in weight from where he is today... That his skin will start to lighten as the pigment comes in, that hair will start to be visible... These are the glimpses she brought us. And these are beautiful gifts.

But I am still scared.

Last night, our church did their annual Mass for all those (from the parish) who have died in the last 12 months. Nicholas and Sophia were remembered. Their names were read, a bell was rang for each, and then we lit a candle for each. An alter server gave us a white rose, one for Nicholas and one for Sophia. It was so hard... You'd think that, 9 months later, something like this would be easier, but it isn't. But we were surrounded by friends who love us, and that was special. A friend of ours was a soloist on one of the musical pieces and he told me later, when I said how beautiful he sounded, that he was thinking of Nicholas and Sophia when he sang. The chorus said: "God will wipe the tears from our eyes and we shall see him face to face. On that day, we shall rejoice when we see God in his holy place." It was written in memory of a stillborn baby, and I often wonder if our choir director chose it because it was written for a baby. Peter's parents made the Mass as well, and it was nice to be together, even if it was for a short time.

2 more days until Saturday... I feel the fear in my chest already...