If I Don't Return

I've always been one of those people who wonder what would happen if everything ended in this moment... If I didn't come back from a run... If Peter didn't come back from work... If something happened to Bobby or Maya... You get the picture.  I try not to dwell on it because, frankly, it would make me crazy (and I don't need to go any farther over that line).  A few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend who was Bobby and Maya's age when she lost her dad.  When she lamented that she didnt remember him, it tugged at my heart.  What if... Just what if... Would they remember me?  Would they know how much I love them?  They would remember me from photographs, but would they remember that I've sang to them every day of their lives?  Would they remember the way we make pancakes together or how I've climbed into those kid climbers to slide down with them?  Would they remember the way my heart beats underneath their heads when they rest on me while they are sick?  How they waved bye-bye to play with our neighbor while I left to coach XC?

And, so, this post is for Bobby and Maya.  On the off chance that I don't come back.  I'll be back, I swear, because I've promised them that Mommy's always come back.  But... In the back of my mind... There's the nagging what if...

***

Dear Bobby and Maya,

You are my suns and my world revolves around you.  I love you more than words will ever be able to express and leaving you, even for a second, requires quite a bit of work!  I cried the first time (and quite a few subsequent times) I left you for a visit with your grandparents.  I cried the entire first day of preschool until you came back into my arms.  My mornings feel empty until you crawl into bed with me and snuggle me.  My afternoons are quiet until you stumble from your nap and rest on me, just to cuddle and laugh together.  I love throwing you up in the air to hear your laughter.  I love to stand with you at the kitchen and cook dinner, all the while explaining all the things we are doing.

Even in our hardest moments, my life is more meanigful and fulfilled because you are with me.

One day, there will come a day where I wont be by your side or a simple phone call or email away.  While I hope that day is far off from now, no matter when it comes, I want you to know this.  My voice was empty- until I sang you lullabies (although I realize those "lullabies" are actually songs... I hope you dont fall asleep at the pub when some drunk busts out with "O Danny Boy"!)  My arms didnt know what a hug felt like until you wrapped yourself around me.  Kisses weren't as sweet until they were delivered from you.  My heart has never been so broken as when you cry and I can't take away the pain that drives you there.  My heart has never been so full as when you tell me your names and the names of your siblings, and explain how you are all brothers and sisters, and we are your mother and father.  Laughter was shrill until it escaped your lips and became a beautiful symphony.  In short, you are my everything. Never doubt that and please, please, never forget it.

Choosing to leave you for races is one of the hardest things I ever do; whether it is practices that are close to home or races that take me across the country, I miss you.  But I believe that it is important for you to see me not just as the mother who loves you more than the air she breathes, but also to see me as you will one day see yourself- a successful adult who has dreams and goals, and works hard to acheive them.  It's not easy, but then, nothing worth its weight is easy. Leaving you guts me; coming home to you makes it worthwhile.

I love you, Bobby and Maya. With all my heart and soul.