Tuesday, September 4, 2012

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

People tell you that time flies, but really... it does.  There are times when I'd like nothing more than to slam on the brakes and back up or, better yet, just hold a few moments in time.  It feels like The Final Countdown is on a perpetual repeat, and I'm stuck just going with it. 

In six days, my babies are three years old.  Full fledged preschoolers and no longer toddlers.  I know this not just by the days on the calendar but the attitude, the excitement about school, the thirst for knowledge that is everywhere.  Maya is more than happy to put you in your place (maybe she's two going on thirty instead of three...) and Bobby has now taken to not only labeling things but saying "I dont know" and looking for guidance on the items he doesnt know (which he then repeats back when he comes into contact with said item).  For example, today was a stalemate for lunch when, after asking for a grilled cheese (and we're talking a good grilled cheese: ancient grains bread with a local garlic and herb Irish-style cheddar), which she took to town last night, Maya refused to eat it and, when I told her she was eating what she asked for, she opted to not eat it.  Stalemate, chica- I have just as bad of an attitude and you wont win this round!!!  The other day, Peter took Bobby for a run around a 1/2 mile loop through the park (and a stop at the playground), and Bobby was identifying all he saw when he said "I dont know" and pointed.  Peter explained that it was moss and every time he encountered it again, Bobby would point and say "Moss".

Five years ago, we were packed up and on the verge of moving into the house that our children would ultimately be born in.  Not only that, but I'd just made an appointment with Dr. Lee... An appointment that would change our world forever.  It's crazy to think that it was all so long ago that the chain of events tied to our parenthood was set into motion. All the ups and downs of that rollercoaster, started (albeit slowly) five years ago. 

By the time four years ago had rolled around, we were already in the throws of grieving Nicholas and Sophia and newly pregnant with Alexander; in fact, it was September 3, 2008 that I announced on my blog we were expecting after loss. It was surreal.

What was more surreal was the feelings I was trying to wrap my head around three years ago, when we were in (what we didnt know) were the last days of my pregnancy with Bobby and Maya.  When Bobby's SVT and bradycardia episodes were forcing us to consider that even making it beyond 24 weeks might not be enough to bring our children home with us...  When I day-dreamed about hitting 28 weeks and my baby shower...  When Labor Day (aka Dont-Go-Into-Labor Day) gave me some relief because Bobby's heart arrythmia showed some positive progress...

Two years ago, we were on the cusp of that special first birthday! 

The babies were growing up from those 2 pound peanuts into actual, normal sized babies!  And they were beautiful... Perfect... (Some things dont change, I guess!)  Personally, I was battling some comments that hurt my feelings, making lifestyle changes (was that 2 years ago??? wow!), renting out my kids (not really!), and just enjoying the good things in life.

One year ago, this time last year, I was gearing up for my first half-marathon, trying to decide what the moral choice for our family was about my IC and more children, doing the 'days of firsts' leading up to their birthday (like cooking!), and getting rid of our nursery furniture.  In a lot of ways, last year feels farther away than the run of years before...  Was it only last year that the furniture was gone? That I ran that half?  Really?  Just one year ago???

And then we're here... The now... Bobby just woke from his nap and is cuddling in my lap, pulling my cheek to his lips when he wants a kiss and snuggling his face to mine when he wants one.  Holding his bear and playing peek-a-boo with the babies on the screen.  A cake fresh from the oven so that Maya can make the glaze and drizzle it over, while Bobby licks the pan it came from :).  A life stunted in some ways but so full and growing in many others.  A mom who couldnt leave her kids at a church nursery a year ago, who now leaves them two nights a week with the 12 year old from across the street so that she can coach cross country...  We're all growing up, I suppose.  It's a good thing.  It's a hard thing.

Oct 3, 2010

Sept 2, 2012

Oct 3, 2010

Sept 2, 2012

Yes, time is moving in high speed and we're all growing up... :)  And it is a good thing.  Even if it is the hardest thing at times.


Amelia said...

Such beauties! Happy almost birthday!

I am very intrigued about your post on abstinence or having surgery! I hope I'm not intruding when I ask what you decided?

Michele said...

Hi Amelia, I opted to have the surgery. I blogged about the decision here: http://mylifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2011/10/steady-rock.html and then about the surgery itself in some early Dec 2011 posts.

Amelia said...

Interesting! I wasn't expecting that! I thought you were choosing between abstinence and having your tubes tied. I'm so happy you were able to make this choice. I'm sorry, but I don't know much about the Catholic religion, is the TAC frowned upon or not allowed? Did you get excommunicated?

Michele said...

No, the TAC is very much approved as a medical procedure. I had initially been told that I wouldnt be a good candidate for it, so we didnt know that we had that option. But I'm glad we consulted with Dr. H. and were able to do it! While we dont know if we will ever have more children, at least the IC is something I dont have to worry about!

Amelia said...

How wonderful it was an option you were able to take then! Thank you for sharing something so personal.

Terri Jones said...

Beautiful post. I can't believe that the kids are 3 years old! That's insane,how time flies. We miss you guys and can't wait to see you again.