14w ultrasound

It's odd how certain things can set a person off... I'm trying to get through the day... I got up and got ready, voted, got to work... I didn't pack a lunch but I know where I'm going to eat, so that's done. I've got a to do list... Yet, the only real thing on my mind is tomorrow: the 14w ultrasound.

With Nicholas and Sophia, I was seeing our OB every 3 to 3.5 weeks. It was a normal pregnancy, everything was great, there was no need to see the doctor more frequently. Our 14w ultrasound came and went. They were playing together! It was so beautiful to see. I remember Peter and I in utter amazement. He had missed the 10w ultrasound because of work and had only seen the photographs, but this one... It was thrilling to watch him watch them. We were due for our next one at almost 18w... When everything changed. We never saw Nicholas and Sophia play together again... The next ultrasound we had was in a bright, ER, and it was just our baby girl, looking so lonely without her brother, swimming around in an area that had recently been more snug, now so big. We were ultrasounded every day and each day we saw her, I remember a feeling of utter joy: our baby girl is doing well!!! and utter loss and sorrow: our son has died, her brother has died... she is alone...

And now, tomorrow, is our 14w ultrasound for Zoë. Will she still be alright? Will this be the last time we see her playing? Oh God, I can't even bear the thought of losing her... It's too much... I know I will see her 12 days later, but still... the fear that pulsates: is this the end, will we lose her, is everything we are doing enough... it plagues me today. And I am so afraid of what tomorrow will bring. Normally, I am so thrilled for the ultrasound days because I can see her again and they are comforting in the midst of all my fear. I think the next few are going to be rough as we get closer to 20w... Somehow, I have it that if I can just hit 20w, just be more pregnant that I was before... Then Zoë will be okay! I know there are no guarantees, but I just keep praying. X more weeks, Lord. Please, just let us hit 36 weeks... Please...

I'm trying to relax. Until last night, I was still feeling the yoga benefits and felt everything was fine. My weeks are pretty busy, which is a good thing, because they help the days go by quicker. I keep telling myself one week at a time, and before I know it it will be Thanksgiving week and I'll be off! Since we can't go to Tennessee right now, I will be relaxing at home, working on the nursery, working on the Christening gown. Just being... Journaling... Talking to Zoë, loving her, hold her... The hard part is getting to 17w1d, when Nicholas was born. 17w1d for Zoë is the 24th. Sophia was born 19w2d, which means Dec. 9th. I'm trying to think of Christmas as a happy time. We'll be 21w4d. While it's not the 24 weeks that we need for her to have a chance, it's closer... 24 weeks is only the beginning, though... Jan. 11th is still too early...

Part of me is afraid of a February birth, too... How little she would still be... Nicholas's 1st birthday is 27w... Sophia's is 29w1d... I just want this little one to have a long, healthy life, to (as the Irish say) see her grandchildren's grandchildren... That is my prayer...

We are getting through this, one day at a time... That is all that we can do. I have to believe Zoë is alright. If I don't then I have nothing to hope in at this point. I know that Nicholas and Sophia are watching over her, adding their prayers to mine as they intercede for her, for all of us, in heaven.

Tomorrow morning, we will wake up with a new president elect... And Peter and I will have our 14w ultrasound. In spite of how divided our country is, our little Zoë overshadows everything else for us.