Monday, October 25, 2010

A Heavy Matter

So, October 4th, I decided to make a change in my life.  It all started with this post and the outpouring of love and support I received.  I decided that I agree with the sentiment in the chickflick "The Wedding Date": everyone has the exact life they choose.  Yes, my weight changed after my body was hit with PCOS and Hashimoto's.  Yes, my weight is impacted by my grief and my desire to calm the hurt with food.  But the way I live my life is a choice.  Choosing to drink 4 sodas a day because I want to, choosing to eat a big piece of cake (and then snack on the crumbs later), ordering an appetizer, salad, entrée, and dessert, and eating them all PLUS a glass (or two or three) of wine: these are choices.  I love to cook and boy, do I love to eat... And these are the choices I make.  Choosing to watch another rerun of Law and Order instead of working out or going for a run... Choice.

Being heavy: yes, a burden of issues a can't necessarily control, but also a choice of things I can.  PCOS & Hashimoto's make it easy to gain and hard to lose... But not impossible.

So, I made a new choice.  I decided to choose to do something different.  To make the choice to stop blaming something else- including myself- and start making a difference.  I started a private blog to record my weight (which I'm just emotionally not ready to share) and to write down EVERY.SINGLE.THING that goes in my mouth, along with the calories associated.  I jot down my exercise and then the calories burned.  I do it every meal/workout and I do it religiously.  It may mean going to bed a little later or not being able to do something else because I have to calculate the meal I made for dinner or the snack at the bistro we visited, or because I have to figure out how many calories I burned.  But, I'm doing it.

It's tough to not eat what I want whenever I want it, but it is liberating to talk to myself and say "Hey, You- YOU AREN'T HUNGRY.  GET THE %*#$ OUT OF THE KITCHEN PANTRY!!!".  It's great to fit comfortably into my "fat" pants.  It's nice to watch the scale drop.  And it has...  Since October 4th (so 21 days ago- 3 weeks), I have dropped my BMI by one full point and have lost 6.5lbs (and, actually, 8lbs since my post from 9/27 when I had my little meltdown).  I've fallen off the wagon on some days by enjoying treats that bump my desired intake of 1500 calories a day to well over 3000 calories, but I choose to say "Okay, not a problem, do better tomorrow" instead of beating myself up.  And, I remind myself that, a month ago, I probably easily ate and drank that on a daily basis- if not higher!  (It's amazing to think how many calories we drink away).

So, this is me, today, 3 weeks after that choice, almost 7lbs lighter, and feeling a little bit better about myself. :)  Thanks again for the support.  While I dont plan to constantly discuss weight on here, I want to give periodic/monthly updates, since many of you understood where I was coming from.  One day, when I'm more confident and comfortable in my skin, I'll share my food journal link.  But for today... This is where I am.

Thanks for coming along for the ride. :)


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on the 'taking control' - shoot, congratulations on the weight-loss, too!, but seriously, feeling like you 'own' your choices is one of the most empowering things I think we can do.

And you sound so confident and happy with your progress (as you should!) and sure of your path. It's lovely to see, my friend. Thinking of you.

Deni said...

I love this post! Good for you! It's so easy to beat ourselves up and be terrible to ourselves. I'm proud of you for taking the healthy approach and giving yourself some leeway--some days are just harder than others! Being on stimming meds and stuff the past month or so has reeked havoc on my body and had me pretty discouraged, but just today I brought my lunch to work, so I won't go out and your post has encouraged me! Thank you!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Sounds like this plan is working. I myself have done a little better with my weight but it is always a struggle. I am here to support you in whatever way I can.

Anonymous said...

Michele, this is a very real post. There is nothing wrong with talking about your weight, exercise etc. Its your blog and the content is your choice. We are here to support. *hugs* Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you are doing great. With anything in life there will always be good days and bad days. We are all allowed :)

Ms. J said...

So proud of you, and I continue to be here for you, every single pound along the way.

You are setting a wonderful example for your children, please remember that, always.

You can do this because you ARE doing this. Writing it down will keep you honest about it. It's hard, I know.

But it's much much MUCH harder to be fat and angry and depressed about it, and feel hopeless. Doing something is empowering, and being in motion will keep you in motion.


Barefoot said...

Congratulations on your loss so far, and, more importantly, on your shift in mindset. It is so hard and so empowering -- I've got Hasimoto's as well, and totally used that in the months leading up to my pregnancy (and then during, along with the obvious excuse of growing another human) as a free pass to indulge whenever and wherever. I'll be cheering you on!!

Jaime said...

Good for you! The best choice is never the easiest choice, I havefound! It takes time and effort and a whole lot of will power and some days are way more difficult than others.

I was on Weight Watchers last year and lost 28lbs and most days were a struggle. Carrots or ice cream? Hello?! But in the end I felt proud and so much happier and healthier in my own skin for making the proper decisions.... with a little treat here and there!

Making the decision to begin is the hardest step... sticking to it takes work but the rewards are already present! I can read "see" it through your words!

Keep up the good work!! You should be proud!!


Anonymous said...

Good on you Michele. I know how hard it is and I think you're fantastic for going on this journey. It's about finding the balance between reward and discipline isn't it? Good luck and I'm part of your cheer squad x

Lynda said...

How liberating it must feel to watch the lbs fade away. That is amazing. You are truly an inspiration!

Mother Knows Best Reviews said...

I think you're an inspiration, so I'm glad you post about it!

S said...

great post. I have also started to realize, I'm not getting any younger and if I want to make healthy changes for myself I need to start now. Would love to come up and walk with you again like we used to, once you are all moved in. There is no where to walk here and I miss that. Good for you for making changes!