Evil Mind

So here we are... Another day with my evil mind trying to drive me over the edge to insanity. And it's working, I tell you.

So, Saturday. I woke up and actually felt pretty good. So we went to the aforementioned charity walk for a local maternity home. Peter and our friend, Sarah, ran; I walked. They came in first in their age group (30-39), he for men, she for women (obviously). I brought up the end of the race and I don't care! I wasn't walking fast! I finished a mile in 19 minutes (yuck!) but it was a good walk. And I felt good the entire morning. Then, the afternoon hit and I was concerned. What if I overdid it... What if I did "something"... You know. The crazy mind issues. Which led me to making a permanant connection with the couch all afternoon and evening.

Sunday, we were serving 2 Masses at church, so we were gone by 7am and didn't get back until 11am. Fine and dandy. Butt to couch. And I was an absolute nutcase when I was awake. I slept a lot (thank God) but when I was awake, I was convinced "something bad" was going to happen. Peter, good guy that he is, got pH strips, since I was having a fit that I was leaking. This will give you some insight into my nutty head. So, for those who may not know, the pH of urine is around 7, but can go anywhere from 4-8. The pH of amniotic fluid is 7-7.5. The pH of vaginal secretions is 4-6. So, this gives a decent range of whether to even be concerned or not. I'd decided that, if the test was 7-7.5, I'd call the doctor, otherwise, things would be okay. So... First off, there isn't even enough fluid to do a test. We're not talking gushing or even a trickle. We're talking "I swear I feel something going on down there and there's some moistness." It could be freaking sweat for all I know. But, I digress. I end up having to put the strips against my skin because there isn't enough stuff to even saturate the pad! (For reference, imagine the strip inside of a pregnancy test or an OPK strip... We arent talking rocket science here.) I must have done a half dozen. And the ones that I could actually get a sample on read between 4 and 5. For a normal person, this would have brought relief (especially since my husband works with strips just like these for work and knows how to read them!). Not me. I was convinced they were wrong. Because, God knows, I couldn't just be okay with things being fine when I was having a mental breakdown.

On top of this, I've had two instances of vaginal "farting". My apologies for the TMI. My hope is that SOMEONE else has had this during pregnancy because it freaks me out! The first was on Friday and I was convinced I was going to miscarry right afterwards. Then, yesterday afternoon. The rational brain tells me that my uterus is expanding and things are changing, so it's no surprise that air needs to be released. The irrational part- I must be miscarrying. Then, there are the twinges of pain in my abs and lower back. Again, irrational me yells "miscarriage!!!" while the rational part says "completely normal" (not to mention that my ovaries are still the size of a massive golfball so it's no wonder they are tender!).

We have our second ultrasound on Wednesday morning. I'm hoping that seeing everything normal and okay on the ultrasound will send these fears back to Hades where they belong. I plan on telling Dr. Lee that I've been having some anxiety issues and asking for advice. My thought is that she will probably tell me to talk to Dr. Bailey about it, since she'll be releasing us to his care. But it doesn't hurt to ask.

The only way that I get to sleep (which, thankfully, I do sleep a lot) is by praying. I just repeat prayers over and over and over again until I pass out. Last night, it was several rounds of the Our Father before starting on the Hail Mary which I eventually fell asleep to. Same thing this morning when I woke up too early to get up. And, of course, the constant requests that St. Gerard, St. Gianna, St. Brighid, and every other saint I can think of who might have some relationship to pregnant women, to pray for our babies and to pray for us.

I know that the fear is natural. How can it not be when our life experiences in the pregnancy arena have been full of heartache as well as joy. But the debilitating anxiety... That's a new thing for me. And I feel so weak for it and for even sharing it, but I dont know what else to do. Especially for those parents who have done this journey, tell me, I'm not crazy. That you've been there. That we're going to make it.