Bobby had a freak out before we left, but a few minutes of rocking calmed him and we were on our way. I got there a little late, but they hadnt started devotions yet. It was easy to just pull up a chair and get involved. The harder part came as we were ending the gathering. One of the women at my table is recently pregnant with #5. She has a 1st grader, kindergartener, 4 year old, and 2 year old, and is due in October. It was apparent that the dont really have issues getting pregnant, but she was happy if a little surprised and was sweet. But it was a hard realization that I (most likely) will never have that spark of surprise, that "OMG, I'm pregnant!" feeling of surprise when you didnt expect a BFP in the first place. The next pang was another pregnant mother, due April 10th, talking about her baby being born in March because she has a "feeling" that the baby will be a preemie. I realize that her baby would technically be a preemie, but it was such a hard thing to handle. I wanted to say "really???" before I caught myself.
Life experiences make us who we are. I know that my feelings are results of losing children and having premature babies and our heartaches and our joys. So, I can accept that and be happy that I kept my mouth shut! It's hard, though, knowing that these are the feelings I'll be faced with when going to mom gatherings. I want to go. I want to meet these women. I want Bobby and Maya to have playmates their age. I know that I'll have to grow a thick skin, try to stop feeling like a fraud and realize that I belong there just as much as they do.