Saturday, November 17, 2018

How Indeed?

I read this is an article today: "They don’t listen and I have to repeat myself, and I snap. They argue, and I snap. They make a mess, and I snap. They don’t help clean up, and I snap. I am living in a state of anger. How unfair is this to my children? They aren’t allowed to be kids..."

How indeed?  When kids are penalized for being children, how do they learn to mature through their immaturity?  Are they rushed through, forced to grow up early?  Are they forever trapped in that place where they just want to be a child, regardless of age?  What lasting effects do situations like this have?

The scenario weighs on my mind.  While I had my struggles , up until Lucas was born, things were pretty good.  It was harder after Michael, once we started homeschooling.   The emotional impact of feeling like there was no place for us and homeschooling wasn't just the best option but the only one was really hard and it was magnified because I was still coaching cross country and was leading a Girl Scout troop.  I could see all that we were missing.  But by the time Lucas came along, with the stress of homeschooling, special needs, another baby on top of a toddler and two six-year-olds...  Then the PPD...  Man... That changed everything .  Even after climbing back from that ledge, there was Ana's pregnancy and then more devastating news...  It's been a rough go of it, culminating most recently in the death of my father-in-law.  The last few years have just been epic - and not in a good way.

During this time, my anxiety and frustration have grown... And grown... And grown. Alongside that, my plate has gotten heavier with task after task. These don't make for a happy household.

It goes without saying that a house full of kids (at this point: 9, 9, 5, 3, 18 months) is going to be loud and messy and chaotic.  Add in the fact that all of them are home all day , every day  and you can add the word "VERY" in front of that.  Add in a mother who teaches every afternoon from 3-7, who runs a very emotionally impactive service organization, who writes and publishes (and needs the time to research and edit), who volunteers for about 15 hours a week in various functions...  And you now have a built in recipe for disaster.  Welcome home!

As I begin my new path (and , so far  life after CBD does feel new)  I am left wondering how much damage the last 3-4 years has caused my kids.  How much my anxiety, frustration, and anger has scarred them.  Hope much their witnessing of the stress and pain of these last years has impacted them.  How I can undo any damage that is there.  More than anything in this world, I love them and want the universe for them.

1 comment:

Lisa G said...

Hang in there! You are doing what you can to get healthy and that is what they see. if i can make a suggestion- give yourself a break. By taking a break. From what you wrote, the kids are ahead in schooling. 9 is 4th grade, 5 is pre-k or k, at least where i am. Take the holidays off from homeschooling. It will not irreparably harm the kids if you don’t homeschool from Thanksgiving to New Years, but it will harm them if they lose you. Then use that time for yourself. Happy peaceful joyful mom = happy peaceful joyful home. Get healthy, take care of you first for an all too brief period. Are you running? Are you seeing a therapist? Do you have someone outside your family you can connect with? Please, you are an amazing woman I have been following for quite a while while I was struggling with my own hopes for a child, get healthy and find peace and joy and relax.