Borrowed Time

In the stillness of the house, the kettle on the stove gives a gentle whisper to let me know that the water is boiled and I pour a measured amount into my handleless, hand-potted mug, the Brodie's tea bag rising to the surface and the smell of black, Scottsh breakfast tea filling my nostrils. As I settle into the couch- Peter's couch, actually, since it is by the window- a hidden sun starts to peek in over the trees and gently illuminate the living room, which is still covered with toys from last night's play. I've been up since 4:30am (well, I've been up since 3:40, but I didnt get out of bed until 4:30). I've trained a new runner for a little over a mile and have then done 2 miles on the track at the local Catholic high school. I'm back home, having checked email and FB and blogs, and I finally am sitting down to write.

And this is what I've come up with. Kind of sad, I suppose, especially since I havent written too much here in what seems like forever.

It isnt that I dont want to write- I do. I often think "I need to blog that!" but then something ges in the way, something comes up, and the moment passes. Part of me thinks that I'll have time to go back, but the other part of me knows that my life doesnt have a rewind button. I even thought of dedicating some time each day/each week to blogging, but then it would feel like work, and that's not what this space ever was.

In the simplest of terms, we are all fine. Really well, actually. Bobby and Maya are 2 months out (less actually) from the start of preschool and, in 2 months exactly, they turn 3 years old. Three years... Where did the time go? I'm in the throws of figuring out what to do for their birthday party. I dont think I want it at the house this year... Rent a park pavillian? (the closest one only has a portapotty... not so cool for potty training) Rent out their favorite indoor playground? (the cost is great, but the only private hours are 6:30-8:30pm) Call it a day and do nothing? No, not that...

They love playing outside (in spite of the last week where we had a high of 102 that felt like hell with a side of Sacramento) and the pool (a 4 foot by 8 foot blow up) is their favorite hang out, coming in just ahead of the water tables we have on the back deck. They both love to help me cook, and are beginning to get into the swing of helping clean.

Maya is a mini-me, for better and for worse. The child has an attitude that would be better suited on a 16 year old (actually, better suited for when she's married and off my hands or in the convent and dealing with (other) trouble making nuns), but she's sweet as pie. Must be split personality... or maybe it's proof that when your mother says "May you have one just like you", that is indeed a curse and will come true (thank God- I've thought it and cant wait to say it). She's a helper; loves to help cook, clean, and tell folks- especially her brother- what to do. Knows the start of the Sanctus at Mass; loves to kneel and genuflect, kiss the statue of the Virgin Mary, and gve the Peace. She'll bring a spoon over, climb up in my lap, and pilfer my tea (regardless of how hot or strong it is). She's growing into a beautiful child, and her vocabulary is insane. She's started sounding out words and is beginning the early stages of reading. Ever the Miss Independent, she loves to do things herself.

Bobby is a sweet cuddlemuffin. As Sarah says, he'll be the towering NFL player who spends his free time visiting kids in hospitals and the elderly in nursing homes. He's just sweet to his core. He will fling his arms around me and kiss me until I fall over, and is always up for a hug. When his feelings are hurt, his entire face falls and his bottom lip quivers. (Can you tell that I melt? I'm sure he'll use this against me at some point, but right now, he's still fairly innocent.) His speech is improving dramatically. At the suggestion of his speech therapist, he also sees an occupational therapist once a week to help work on his aversion to playing with others. (Because he couldnt really communicate well, he never took to games like throwing the ball to another, ring around the rosie, etc. He likes to play with others and will share, but the idea of interaction that required verbal communication wasnt a preference). We've seen an improvement in the month since the OT has started, and Bobby will now throw and kick balls with other, take part in the little 'dance parties' we do to nursery rhymes, and do group play more easily. His verbal and signing skills are taking off, and he loves to chit chat, especially after naptime or when he wakes in the morning. Some of my favorite solo moments are when he just wakes and he climbs into my lap for snuggles, kisses, and telling me all about his dreams. Like Maya, he needs to go high five the Blessed Mother statue and singing at Mass is his favorite (as, for whatever reason, is 'helping' pray the Eucharistic prayer, in spite of being told that the priest is doing fine on his own :) I'm glad our parish is family friendly.)

All in all, they are good kids. Potty training is well. Sleeping is well. Eating is well. They start our parish school at the start of September; we'll go on vacation in August (since we didnt want to pull them during our normal, fall vacation time).

Peter is lovely. Enjoys work. Cant wait until his transfer to the closer site (his lab wont be moving until early 2013 at this point, but we're counting down!). He hasnt been able to get on his bike as much as I'm sure he'd like. As usual, he's a great husband, father, and provider; he's my calm in whatever storms arise. I love him. He loves me. That sums it up, I think! :) He's a romantic (I realize the words 'romantic' and 'scientist' may seem at odds, but he is). He's one of those guys who brings home flowers just because and I think the idea of buying a piece of jewelry without meaning would offend something at his core. Which is why, although I dont have a lot of it, the pieces I have are priceless and have some story behind them. For my birthday/anniversary this year, he designed and had the local jeweler craft a choker necklace for me, using 9 alexandrite stones. It's simple enough that I wear it every day, yet elegant enough that I can dress it up for something out of the ordinary. Pretty perfect if you ask me.

I'm good. Still me. :) Truth be told, I dont spend nearly as much time on my computer as I used to and, when I am on, I'm not on the internet much (except to map out runs). And run I do. I did an 18 miler on a nasty, high humidity day last Sunday, and I'm up for 19 this weekend (please, God of running, NO HUMIDITY, no heat, and no rain. PLEASE. Let's pretend it's fall... or a morning like this morning!). I train a new runner three times a week, and may pick up running with two other women during other mornings/evenings- we shall see. I still have MHB and the studio up, so with being a full time SAHM, housewife, and homemaker, it feels like the only real free time I have is between 9:30pm and 4:30am, when I'm in bed. (And since I dont always go to sleep at 9:30, that isnt even a true statement!)

I'm going to the assistant coaching a cross country team for CYO. That's pretty exciting. Practice is twice a week, with meets on Sundays, up until the Marine Corps Marathon. (I'll actually miss the final meet because of the MCM). I'm nervous, but really psyched too. I've been emailing with the coach, who is local and a marathoner, and I'm looking foward to working with the team. It's kids ranging from kindergarten to 12th grade, so this should be interesting!

I write a lot more than I used to (just not here, LOL). The piece I sold is through the first round of edits on my end (thank goodness!) and I have a second piece currently under consideration, which is exciting. But it means that I spend naptime having an affair with MS Word. Since naptime is really my only 'free time' to work, I check email and read blogs/FB sporadically when I can steal a moment (or when my brain refuses to think clearly). Hence, the lack of actual blogging.

But I am here... I still read (even though I dont comment as much as I did) and I still *want* to blog, and I know I will once the fall hits and I have a bit more time to just breathe.

There's also this feeling that I've said all there is. I know that isnt true; there will always be something new. But I'm happy. I'm happy in my marriage, in my life. I've finally reached a place of understanding were I get that being happy doesnt mean a life without sad days or arguments or 'what if' moments. That it is more than that. It's even more than looking back and saying "I'd do it all again" (which I would, in a heartbeat). I dont know exactly *what* it is, but I know that I have it. Maybe I had it all along and just couldnt see it- I dont know. But I see it now.

I heard a song on the radio that said "I want to live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time." It really resonated with me. If I knew that I would die tonight in my sleep... that I'd never wake up tomorrow... What would I do differently tomorrow? Would I hold my kids tighter? Kiss my husband longer? Linger over whatever were doing a bit more? Laugh a little louder? Love a bit harder?

Would I regret that last day? Those last moments?

More than anything, I dont want to. I want to breathe easy. I want to know that each day was made the most of. I fail- dont get me wrong. I waste my fair seconds and I take a good bit for granted. But I'm really trying to focus on what is important.

And, somehow in that, I feel like I've found (or realized) happy.

Well, I'd better go... It's almost 7:30am and I hear my little guy climbing out of bed for some morning snuggles with his stinky, fresh-from-a-run mama on the couch... ;)